Monthly Archives: October 2014

Workouts for me

I’m not inherently good at pushing myself. Shocking, I know. I’m not quite like my husband in that way (or any way at all, we are the archetypal opposites that attract). While he can just see a thing that needs doing and do it without complaint, I struggle mulishly against my own better judgement, and finally give up much of the time. I am changing though, because I’ve married a good influence. Not that I’m doing this for him or at his request, but simply seeing how good and strong he is makes me want to try a bit harder. I’m so glad to have him.

Anyhow, I really have to try hard to think of ways to get myself to keep trying. So as of Thursday, I’ve begun the 30 Day Plank challenge.

This one

I’ve also coerced my gym buddy into the challenge. And by “coerce” I mean “meekly suggested.” She was enthusiastic. We will also do Crunch challenge in November, and an arms challenge in December. I will, of course, be making things which I can color in to keep track of my progress. Coloring is essential to weight loss and life.

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Starting point for 7 minute workout

I’m also doing the “7 minute workout” (there’s an app), and steadily upping the intensity by first decreasing the time between exercises, then doing the exercises for longer, then starting to do more than one 7 minute workout in a row.

And I’ve made a playlist of songs that make me happy enough that I don’t hate working out to them. I’ve decided on exercises for each song, and I shall recount them here incase I (inevitably) misplace the card I wrote it down on. At this point I can’t do the exercises the whole way through each song, but someday I will. You are welcome to join me, and let me know how you are doing.

1. Big Girl You Are Beautiful–Squat into shoulder press

2. Kasepiki (Bebe Cool)–Curl and Twist (I don’t remember how I came to know this, so consider the info suspect, but I heard that this song was the artist’s response to being shot in the leg over a girl–a girl who is also in the video. Again, I don’t know if that’s true, but I hope it is, because he looks like one of the sesame street muppets dancing around in his chair, and “mind your business” is such a cute response to being shot)

3. All About That Bass (Megan Trainor)–Squats

4. Interlude MC Pikachou (Disiz)– High Knees (I recommend this song for short intervals of cardio, because the way it speeds up forces you to keep going faster and faster. Also, how cute is it? So cute. He has more serious sounding raps too, though I can’t tell you what any of them are about. I think I heard that this one is about Pikachou versus King Kong)

5. One of Those Days (Joy Williams)– Side bends

6. Price Tag (Jessie J)– Alternating curls w/ twist

7. All About that (upright) Bass (Postmodern Jukebox)–Whatever stretches feel good in the moment

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At home in my head

Side and front views of me as I am. Underneath is what some website estimates I look like based on height to waist ratio, and figure based on a gestimate of what I might want to shoot for
Side and front views of me as I am. Underneath is what some website estimates I look like based on height to waist ratio, and figure based on a gestimate of what I might want to shoot for. Numbers aren’t my thing, but pictures I understand.

A funny thing has happened since I started blogging. I don’t need audiobooks as much as I used to. It’s as though I am suddenly interested in my own life, can find worth in my own thoughts and no longer need to escape quite so much. Usually, when I would be a moment without an audiobook, I would get caught up in existential dread, and spend hours trying not to think about how limited life is, and the utter pointlessness of everything. I was like that as a child. My mother had to lie to get me to stop crying and go to sleep… “By the time you’re old enough to die, they will have found a way to prevent it.” I’m not sure how other people get from day to day without freaking out. I have to distract myself as hard as I can… It’s like the “don’t think about pink elephants” game, but with more angst and insomnia. Basically, in a life without meaning, the only landmark that really seems to stick out is the end. This is not supposed to be a depressing post.

Anyway, now I have something to dream about, something that doesn’t feel hopelessly far in the future. And some things that are slotted to occur even sooner! I know it sounds tragic that I found my life’s meaning in weight loss, but hear me out. I’m not a mother yet, but I want to be, and I want to be healthy for my children. I have not been kind to myself, and I have been careless with my wellbeing. So I am seeing this as a way to practice motherhood.

I will try to treat myself as I would want to treat my child. Instead of raging at myself and storing insults for myself, I must try to have patience. Instead of succumbing every time I want want want sugar, I will practice loving denial. Skipping one cookie isn’t a punishment, it’s good motherly sense. There will be other cookies. Really. Leave it.

tentative incremental reward plan

So my inner mother will nurture-and restrain-my inner child. And there will be many bribes. Non-food bribes. Every day that I am perfect in both diet and exercise, I am allowed to paint (I’m thinking I need to require sketch practice everyday, regardless). And every 5 pounds, I can get another reward. I may change my mind about what rewards I want, but as I have it now, the rewards are largely craft-related. I went to a Waldorf school, where there is a lot of “handwork” and art, and I’ve been in creativity withdrawal ever since I graduated. I realize now that I have to forcibly make time for such things, or else life gets in the way.

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my husband is very private. He doesn’t like his picture to be all over the web, so I cropped him right out, even though I would rather not have

Some of the rewards will require help from my friend. She is able to make anything with a sewing machine, and she can show me how to make whatever dress I dream of, or how to reverse-engineer a garment that I want, or how to make the perfect-fitting jeans that every woman dreams of. She has agreed to help me pick a dress online, create the pattern that 894013_10201002930219698_1080040408_ofits me, and make the dress, and finally to help me make those jeans. I haven’t worn jeans in ages. In return, I shall be her example student (and probably occasional photographer/videographer) on her sewing blog. She made my wedding dress, btw. And the bridesmaids dresses. She also has a biotech blog and one on writing, wherein she iswriting a fantasy novel. And she still has time to be my gym buddy!305995_10201002925539581_1197638488_n

Somehow, I seem to have friends that fit the “Renaissance Man” (or woman) archetype, always doing, creating and learning, working hard. I’m not sure what any of them get from me, given that I’m not much of a doer myself. I don’t know if I could be friends with myself. It would be boring and awkward, nothing would happen. Perhaps I’m a complimentary personality for them.

As I knew it would, my lifestyle change has made me more able to connect with my husband. It’s easier on both of us now that I’m eating better and exercising more. Instead of struggling not to judge and chide me, my husband can now congratulate me. We are a team now, so long as I do all the work and don’t get him too involved in being my external discipline. I’m so much happier. It’s so good to see him proud of me.

Anyway, my gym buddy will be busy for a week, and I really struggle more if I have to go it alone. I could use another gym buddy for such occasions. Anyone in the richmond/el sobrante/el cerrito area?

Day 13: Flagging, and self – flagellation

*warning: my bombastic streak is in evidence today*

I knew this day would come. No one is perfect, and I understand that. And yet, I grieve that my previously unblemished color-in calendar bears a red stain so early. My panties also risk red stains… Causation or mere correlation?  IMG_3267-0.JPG

I had begun my plan eagerly awaiting my day of temptation, ready to fight it tooth and nail, ready to conquer. But it was sneaky. It’s the damnedest thing. I thought I was doing fine, then suddenly I log my last meal and BOOM. Where did those sneaky calories come from? Was it because I put half an avocado in my smoothie? Was the fistfuls of nuts every hour or two (probably. Note to self: nuts stay off the work table)? Or was it that I planned to exercise, but flagged after a meager 10 minutes of elliptical?

I had some dark moments today, feeling like my old self again, the self that is tired and uninspired by life, filled with self-loathing and general grumpiness. My poor husband noticed, and because he is in control, apparently at all times, he couldn’t fathom how I could manifest my crankiness over the phone or in person. He kept asking me why I was acting “this way,” which, as you know if you’ve ever been grumpy, is a great way to make yourself unpleasant to be around. I really just wanted peaceable quiet, since I wasn’t feeling the whole “human interaction” idea at the time. But my love never lets go. By the end of a 20 minute drive, I was nearly in tears, and nearly ready to claw my own throat out, I felt so bad for bothering my patient husband. But his reminders that “I never act this way with you” really just made me extra impatient with him. Yes. You’re better at life than I am. Whoopdeedoo for you.

He always needs to get the answer to his questions. Often, I don’t have satisfactory answers for him. For the life of me, I can’t imagine why he can’t just drop it if I ask him to. I couldn’t do something like that, if I knew it were making my loved one miserable. He has a higher unpleasantness threshold than I do, so maybe he thought I was just being a diva. I am sorry that he got the brunt of my mood. He never deserved that.

I don’t feel all that bad about my diet though. I ate too many calories, but the foods were not really the sort of thing I feel are sinful. All were wholesome and fresh (except the veggie chips. Those were not “fresh” per se).

I welcome tomorrow as a chance to do better. I shall be more alert. Nothing will sneak past me. And tomorrow my gym buddy will be available again, so I won’t bail as readily. I will have so much water and tea always on hand, that I never stray to foods with calories. I hadn’t really felt tempted before, since I started this new plan. This is actually a good thing. I can’t know that I’m really on the mend until I can see temptation and say “sorry, no.”

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day one of relearning to art. 5 min sketch of Tarsier from googled image. He’s eating. That’s not a tiny cigar in his mouth

In other news, I’ve started my attempts to draw without tracing, erasing or starting over. I also put a timer on, so that I wouldn’t dawdle for ever. I picked the tarsier because I’ve decided that he shall be the “ghrelin gremlin” incarnate. Eventually, I will make a drawing of him for the header of this blog. Whether or not I trace that image, is yet to be decided. I may have to practice freehand more before I decide. Or maybe I’ll do more than one. This was my reference. Feel free to provide criticism, but be gentle, since I am a beginner.

Wait what?

It’s day 11 and I’ve lost 11 pounds. I’m glad, but surprised. I didn’t think I was doing anything that extreme!

Lose it! now believes that I will achieve my goal by August 11th, nearly a month sooner than it originally estimated. I’m not goal to change the date that I hope to finish by, because I’m sure there will be plateaus and backslides. September 9th seems more reasonable to me.

What do you guys think? Is it too fast to main the losses, or is it just the “easy” to lose water weight dropping off?

Days 8, 9 & 10, And I’m Feeling Good

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First full week on lose it, and look at how I’m winning!

Monday, October 13th, and it’s my second full week of The Plan. My first week was great, and I did great…. I’m starting to notice slight irritation at having to log everything, but I’m doing it anyway, and hoping that eventually it will be automatic and I won’t think about it enough to be fatigued by it.

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impatience

I’m being careful to reward myself generously. I went to the art store my 5 pound reward (now I’m down 8 pounds, so I’d better decide what is next, and it can’t be as pricey as the first reward!). I got paints, two brushes, paper, my favorite pens (pigma mircon, archival ink). Then I set out to render one of the celtic knots I love to doodle. I use graph paper to do the doodles, and since I drew the original knot small, I enlarged it in the printer, then used transfer paper to get it onto the watercolor paper. I went over the transfer in ink (archival ink. Woot.), but got impatient and started painting before I fully finished that step. between sketching it, inking it, and transferring it, I’d already drawn the thing 3 times, and was aching for color.

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Duke Ellington. Traced

Why celtic knots? Because I find knotwork more forgiving than, say, figure drawing. I love to paint, but I’m not confident in my sketching skills. I basically stopped sketching in 8th grade when my sister came home from art college and told me that it’s ok to trace, and that the head of the illustration department at the time was known for tracing. So I started tracing, then found I couldn’t stop. I became deeply insecure about the imperfections that occur when I don’t trace. It’s possibly been as long as 10 years since I did a freehand sketch and liked it.  As a kid, my whole sense of self worth was tied up in my artistic skills, which therefore atrophied because I was too scared to fail.I need to practice. I’m thinking that an exercise that I need to do for myself is to sketch something and not allow myself to erase or start over. But I am terrified to try that. Anyway, I find knots relaxing because I make them up, mistakes are not obvious, and I can draw them on graph paper.

I went to the gym today with my friend, and I forgot my nano, which carries my audiobooks. So I used my phone to read blogs. I would like to thank all of you bloggers that I follow for giving me the shortest 30 minutes of elliptical I have ever experienced. I even commented on a few, though there may be some typos. Thank you to The Beautiful Basics , Michelle’s Health Journey , Write Don’t Eat , Love and Life In London , Randoms by a Random , ChaosAndSilence , A Large Girl’s Escape… , Charity , My Quest for Health , Chasing Faeries , Fat Girl Melting , and others.

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Oils. Not traced
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This was done around when I was 11 or 12 years old, the other two were sometime in high school. Traced

Days 6 & 7: Looking Back

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getting better at cat tails?
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Selfie of the day. Trying to like myself in pictures is hard. Trying to smile in pictures is harder

      The first time I felt fat I weighed 90 lbs.

To be fair, I was in third grade, and it was tied with one or two other students for “heaviest in class.” How do I know? I know because we were calculating the weight of the class together. We each told the teacher our weight (or the teacher weighed us, I don’t remember that part), and she wrote all the weights on the board, without names. We weighted a literal ton, all together.

That was when I heard it: “who weighs 90 pounds?”

The smallest boy in the class said it loudly, with what I interpreted as disgust in his voice. Probably, looking back on it, he was just surprised, but it hurt. Never mind that I was amongst the tallest in the class. I didn’t register that as connected at the time. I knew that weight is bad, because my mother had been dieting continuously for my whole life.

The first time I dieted was when I was 12. I remember because I was frightened because someone, possibly my father, said that kids who are heavy at 13 are likely to continue to be heavy for life. I didn’t embark on a healthy lifestyle change, it was a no-carb crash diet.

Then I stopped trying, as all yoyo dieters eventually stop. And started again a year or two later. Lather, rinse, repeat.

My breasts grew down instead of out, my arms were flabby, my belly seemed huge (retrospect is kinder), and I began to see myself as fat. I didn’t make the distinction between having fat and being fat. I was fat, and my fatty status was beginning to see as unchangeable as my height.

It didn’t help that I was diagnosed (perhaps incorrectly–I am probably depressive or dysthymic) as bipolar when I was still in grade school, and therefore always felt that if I was experiencing a mood of any kind, it was justified to demand compensation from the world, in the form of sugary things.

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grapes, pistachios, mini heirloom tomatoes: snack
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carbs=veggies and fruit

Fast forward, I weighed 267 lbs. That was last week. Since I started blogging, I’ve lost 6 pounds. I like that I’ve lost the weight. I hope I can maintain my momentum when I get to the flatter part of the weight loss curve.

I’ve never had good self control. When it is time to try hard, I waffle and weep. When it is time to say no to sugar I say “yes please” and stuff my face. But that has to change now.

I went to the gym yesterday. I went to late in the day. It was too crowded for my taste, and I was uninspired. I only did about 10 minutes of light cardio before I threw int he towel. Today I went for a hike, but not a very long one. The thing I am doing really well with is eating right. I am no longer going over my calories, and I’m actually finding foods to love, within my calorie price range. Like mini heirloom tomatoes. have I mentioned those before? best ever. And green grapes. Bell peppers. Apples. Tea. Lentils. Squash. Sweet potato. Ground turkey.

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The story of dinner

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Btw, I’ve discovered that pomegranate concentrate, curry, masala spice mix, cinnamon and onion are GREAT in ground turkey, and/or lentils with squash, sweet potato, quinoa and carrot (seen above). You can get pre-steamed lentils at Trader Joe’s, which makes it easier.

Days 3 , 4 & 5 Good days and hikes

       I’m going to describe my body for a bit. I personally love self-deprecating humor. If you find such things whiney, I’ll put some asterisks when I’m done so that you can skip.

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As you can see, I first tried lose it in 2012. See how the weight goes down there? I stopped, I gained. I tried again, as you can see from the slight dip in the steady upward progress. Third time’s the charm. I’m going to stick the landing this time

My body has some redeeming qualities: if I want to find a flattering shirt, I need only hit the maternity section at target, find extra large or bigger, and I have a shirt that flatters my exact figure. If I’m walking naked from the bedroom to the bathroom, and want to carry my phone, but don’t want to use my hands, my belly makes a great shelf, and my droopy boobies provide opposing force to hold the phone in place. I don’t get cat called. I’m rarely cold. I can pluck hairs from the underside of my chin that might have been hard to see if I wasn’t on the verge of having a double chin.

However, I do need to do something about the PCOS-induced extra hairy chin, the spidery veins appearing on my thighs, the unpleasant friction between my legs if I wear a skirt. I need to stop the progression of the rivers of stretch marks across my belly, arms, thighs and breasts. I need to be able to keep up with the rest of the world, physically, and stay awake for the length of a work day. I want to be able to brush my teeth naked in front of a mirror and not feel like a jello. I want to jump and dance and not feel my belly bouncing when I move. I want to have healthy children someday, who will learn better eating and activity habits than I developed as a child.

That’s a big one. There is some kind of connection between PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and extra poundage. And PCOS can apparently cause barrenness. I want to have babies.

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hike

So monday was an awkward day. I got almost nothing done, as far as work is concerned.

It started out great, with a just-after-dawn hike. That was the high point though. I had to drive my husband al the way from richmond/pinole area to Cal Berkeley, then I went home. Then I remembered I need to go to the allergist. As soon as I get in the car and drive a couple yards, my nose just starts to bleed like nobody’s business. It was gruesome, and I had to pull over. I was too bloodied to drive the block or so back home without making my car gross, and I was still bleeding. I pulled over, opened the door, and leaned out to bleed into the street. I noticed it was flowing at about one drop per second, and for a long time, or it seemed long. I tried to reach the tissues in my car, but they were inconveniently located directly behind my seat. Eventually, I kindly stranger came to me with ice in a baggie, a wet paper towel and a whole role of paper towels. I know I said thank you, but it felt in adequate…. and he was gone before I could really grasp the situation, appearing and disappearing like a sprite (perhaps because I couldn’t really look up for long). I made it to the allergist, and spent the rest of the day itchy from immunizations. I went to the chiropractor to try and get my neck to stop being so stiff and sore. It’s less stiff, but still sore. Then I got a coupe hours work done, and had to get my husband from the BART station. And then make food. And then I was falling asleep since I’d been awake since 5:50 am.

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But despite it having felt like a slow day, It was my first day to color in green. I hiked, and, although without the hike I would have been over my allotment, I didn’t eat anything that was bad in and of itself, so that is where I am drawing the line. If I eat a bad food and burn it off, purple, if I only eat good foods and burn some off, it’s green.

Also, when I woke up at 5:50 tuesday morning, I weighed myself. I’d lost 3 pounds!

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Monday the 6th, day 3
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This journey, so far

 Today, wednesday, I weighed myself, and found I’d lost a further 2 pounds. I had to take my car in today, and I also had to drop of my hubby at the BART. My plan was to drop off my darling, then meet a friend at the gym, who would then drive me home from the car place and we would work on our separate things at the dining room table. Guess which of those things didn’t happen…. Right. The gym. But it wasn’t my fault for once. Darling didn’t realize I was meeting a friend there, and failed to hustle his bustle to get out. He did his homework at home, instead of taking it to the library, the way I’d assumed he could do. He was very sorry.

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friend

Long story short, my friend and I went on my usual hike. It was way harder than hiking alone with an audiobook, but also way more satisfying. And I was so busy, I didn’t have time to eat anything dumb. And I forgot lunch. Which makes today *drum roll* a perfect day on the plan! I agreed to reward myself for perfect days with craft/art/music time, So I guess I’d better do that.

Ta-ta for now!

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Thank you all. It means so much to me. Every comment and like lifts my heart and gives me strength!

Day 2: Eyeliner

So today I woke up. I was woken up. My husband, as a male from outside the US, loves football (soccer) and as he was sneaking out to watch a game, I awakened. Since I work from home, I don’t often have to be awake early. I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I got up. The day was so fresh and unused. Time for a hike!

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It was a good hike, and a good way to start a day. Admittedly, I didn’t do much useful stuff afterwards, and I had *gasp* half a scone, but I’m under my calories for the day, and I only ate about 200 calories more for dinner.  Every time I get hungry I get water. My body has come to expect way more food than it needs.

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plus 200 calories

I think though, that I have to call it a purple day, because without the hike, the scone puts me over.

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I decided to get myself some eyeliner. I’ve been keeping eyeliner next to myself while I work, and even though I’m usually not going anywhere, I like to put some on, to practice the cat tails. I’ve noticed that if I focus on my eyes, I feel better about myself. I can even take selfies! But I usually crop out the rest of my face, leaving just one or two eyes. I’ve always been pleased with the eyes I was given. I think I would make an excellent burka model.

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No mascara here

I told my husband that I’m blogging, but asked him not to read it. Perhaps that wasn’t fair, but I know he will respect my decision, regardless fairness. Privacy is important to him. I’ve also told him all about my plan. He is very happy to see me trying to be healthy. It’s wonderful to be on the right side of food issues for once. He is very health-conscious (given that he is pre-med, about half his classes seem to spend some time talking about the dangers of carrying extra weight), enjoys running and actually dislikes most unhealthy foods! We can pass by some place where donuts are being made fresh, and he will say “something smells gross,” even as I’m about to attack the shop like a zombie hoard of one. He also has excellent self control, so it’s very hard to explain to him why I would continue to do something that is destructive to both health and happiness.

From his perspective, it probably seemed like he had tried everything to help and support me in losing weight, but somehow it was never happening. He would carefully describe to me all the life-threatening facts about fat that he learned, or he would ask me why I couldn’t do what had to be done to get the fitness I want. He tried checking up on my eating, he tried (after I demanded he butt out) not saying anything. He asked me how he could help.

Why wasn’t it working? Secret, rebellion binges! I guess part of me thought, “oh, he’s on top of my weight for me. I don’t have to worry about it, since he’s worrying for me… oooh, that looks yummy! I’ll have one of those and one of these and that one too.”

If he asked me directly, I would confess to at least one sin, but usually I actually ate 3 or 4 pastries at a time (because every time was supposed to be the last one forever, and how could I pick just one?). He began to get jaded. I would always say “I’m trying to do better” and he found it harder and harder to believe.

But this time is different. I think because of the blog and the color-in count-down calendar. He can tell I have a plan. I mean business, this time.

THE PLAN!

Ok, so I’m pretty excited about the plan I’ve come up with for myself. It allows for my laziness, and features coloring, which I love.

I am using the Lose It! app on my iphone to count calories (in and out). When I start a new program, telling it my goal weight and current weight it gives me my calorie allotment and a projection of when I may have lost that weight by. I’m not a fool, I don’t really think that an app knows the future, but I’m using that day as a goal. That day is September 9th, 2015.

What makes my new plan different from the one I used a couple years ago, is the coloring. I have printed out a very special calendar for myself. It was annoying to make, but I think it will be worth it. It began as a table in word, with 12 rows and 31 columns per row. Each row is a month, each column is a number. I marked each box with a letter for the day of the week it fell on (that was what make it so annoying to create). I put a second table at the bottom, this one with just 6 rows and 4 columns, and make that into the legend. If I color a day green (my favorite color), that means I was perfect that day; I exercised and didn’t go over my calories. If I color a day blue, it means I didn’t go over my allotment, but didn’t get moving. If I color a day purple, it means I ate something dumb, but but burned the extra calories at the gym and thereby stayed under budget. Red means I went over my calorie allotment. Pink means it was an off day, such as a birthday or holiday. Bright green indicates a day of repentance, where I go under my calorie allotment to try and atone for my mistakes of the previous (or following) day.

I titled this masterpiece 340 DAYS OF CHANGE not because I like that title at all, but because the page badly needed a title to look complete. The implication is “340 days of change, a lifetime of benefit.” I don’t plan to slip back into what I am now, which is basically a gremlin that cowers in corners to hide the massive plate of pastries that I will finish all by myself, right now.  Once I’ve gotten healthy enough, I want to go with my husband when he goes for a run. I have no expectation that I will ever keep up or go as far, but we can start out together, and it will be nice. That is the bright future I envision for myself. In 340 days.

Back to the present.

I also looked up the Healthy Eating Plate, which is like the food pyramid or MyPlate, except from Harvard, “based on the most up-to-date nutrition research, and it is not influenced by the food industry or agriculture policy.” Basically it says that 1/2 your plate should be veggies and fruits, then 1/4 each of proteins and whole grains. On the side there is healthy plant oil of various types. So I took my calorie allotment, which is 1,759 per day, and divided it up to see how many calories that is for me in each category. I doubt if I’ll be religious about the plate, but It’s good to know what to shoot for.IMG_9924

I’m probably most excited about the coloring.

Weight for me

I’m trying to lose weight. So far, the support of my loved ones has only fostered a rebellious side of myself that will eat twice as much junk as I can enjoy because “this is my only chance!” I’m hoping that talking to strangers will work better. I’m planning to stalk other weight loss blogging journeys, and I’m hoping someone(s) will do the same for me, to make me feel supported and part of the community.

As of this morning, I weigh 267 pounds, and it’s not a good look for me. I’m not healthy fat or sexy fat, I’m all-my-pants-have-holes-because-I-can’t-bear-to-shop fat. Personally, I have a hard time sympathizing with anyone who has less to lose (pound wise) than I have, but if you weigh more than I do and also suffer that prejudice, consider this: I’m absolutely on the way to becoming as heavy as you please. My behavior is so bad it’s laughable, as long as you don’t have to live in the consequences.

That’s all for tonight, I guess. I don’t want to complain too much, but I haven’t done anything productive about my situation to recount here today.

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