Day 2: Eyeliner

So today I woke up. I was woken up. My husband, as a male from outside the US, loves football (soccer) and as he was sneaking out to watch a game, I awakened. Since I work from home, I don’t often have to be awake early. I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I got up. The day was so fresh and unused. Time for a hike!

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It was a good hike, and a good way to start a day. Admittedly, I didn’t do much useful stuff afterwards, and I had *gasp* half a scone, but I’m under my calories for the day, and I only ate about 200 calories more for dinner.  Every time I get hungry I get water. My body has come to expect way more food than it needs.

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plus 200 calories

I think though, that I have to call it a purple day, because without the hike, the scone puts me over.

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I decided to get myself some eyeliner. I’ve been keeping eyeliner next to myself while I work, and even though I’m usually not going anywhere, I like to put some on, to practice the cat tails. I’ve noticed that if I focus on my eyes, I feel better about myself. I can even take selfies! But I usually crop out the rest of my face, leaving just one or two eyes. I’ve always been pleased with the eyes I was given. I think I would make an excellent burka model.

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No mascara here

I told my husband that I’m blogging, but asked him not to read it. Perhaps that wasn’t fair, but I know he will respect my decision, regardless fairness. Privacy is important to him. I’ve also told him all about my plan. He is very happy to see me trying to be healthy. It’s wonderful to be on the right side of food issues for once. He is very health-conscious (given that he is pre-med, about half his classes seem to spend some time talking about the dangers of carrying extra weight), enjoys running and actually dislikes most unhealthy foods! We can pass by some place where donuts are being made fresh, and he will say “something smells gross,” even as I’m about to attack the shop like a zombie hoard of one. He also has excellent self control, so it’s very hard to explain to him why I would continue to do something that is destructive to both health and happiness.

From his perspective, it probably seemed like he had tried everything to help and support me in losing weight, but somehow it was never happening. He would carefully describe to me all the life-threatening facts about fat that he learned, or he would ask me why I couldn’t do what had to be done to get the fitness I want. He tried checking up on my eating, he tried (after I demanded he butt out) not saying anything. He asked me how he could help.

Why wasn’t it working? Secret, rebellion binges! I guess part of me thought, “oh, he’s on top of my weight for me. I don’t have to worry about it, since he’s worrying for me… oooh, that looks yummy! I’ll have one of those and one of these and that one too.”

If he asked me directly, I would confess to at least one sin, but usually I actually ate 3 or 4 pastries at a time (because every time was supposed to be the last one forever, and how could I pick just one?). He began to get jaded. I would always say “I’m trying to do better” and he found it harder and harder to believe.

But this time is different. I think because of the blog and the color-in count-down calendar. He can tell I have a plan. I mean business, this time.

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9 thoughts on “Day 2: Eyeliner

  1. I really truly believe that you have to come to a point where you want to do it for yourself. I don’t know about you but if someones tell you to do something (and when it comes to weight – everyone wants to tell you what weight you should be and how you should lose it) it just turns me off completely and makes me want to do the exact opposite.
    I wanted my husband to be on this journey with me, because without accountability I tend to lose focus. Eventually I had to accept that this is my journey, my goals and not his. I know it’s a different situation to yours but I can’t help see that at some point you have to do it by yourself, for yourself. 🙂

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    1. That is exactly what I decided. My father also tends to be controlling about food, so that has always been a part of my life, and rebelling against it has been just as prominent. I love that my husband cares so much about my health (I am lucky enough to be married to a man who finds me beautiful at any size), but I don’t want to keep up the struggle against him. So I have to take up his side for myself, and convince myself that I’m worth saving. I can’t keep depending on him for esteem, when what I need is self esteem.

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  2. You will get it. It’s amazing the difference you feel when you take your health into your own hands. No one else can do it for you but you and the moment you’re ready it becomes addictive. At first I didn’t notice a big change but then watching my weight drop off and having to get new clothes was an amazing feeling for me. I’m not done yet but I promise as you continue on your journey you will feel amazing. Just remember to be nice to yourself along the way because it does take time.

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