The first time I felt fat I weighed 90 lbs.
To be fair, I was in third grade, and it was tied with one or two other students for “heaviest in class.” How do I know? I know because we were calculating the weight of the class together. We each told the teacher our weight (or the teacher weighed us, I don’t remember that part), and she wrote all the weights on the board, without names. We weighted a literal ton, all together.
That was when I heard it: “who weighs 90 pounds?”
The smallest boy in the class said it loudly, with what I interpreted as disgust in his voice. Probably, looking back on it, he was just surprised, but it hurt. Never mind that I was amongst the tallest in the class. I didn’t register that as connected at the time. I knew that weight is bad, because my mother had been dieting continuously for my whole life.
The first time I dieted was when I was 12. I remember because I was frightened because someone, possibly my father, said that kids who are heavy at 13 are likely to continue to be heavy for life. I didn’t embark on a healthy lifestyle change, it was a no-carb crash diet.
Then I stopped trying, as all yoyo dieters eventually stop. And started again a year or two later. Lather, rinse, repeat.
My breasts grew down instead of out, my arms were flabby, my belly seemed huge (retrospect is kinder), and I began to see myself as fat. I didn’t make the distinction between having fat and being fat. I was fat, and my fatty status was beginning to see as unchangeable as my height.
It didn’t help that I was diagnosed (perhaps incorrectly–I am probably depressive or dysthymic) as bipolar when I was still in grade school, and therefore always felt that if I was experiencing a mood of any kind, it was justified to demand compensation from the world, in the form of sugary things.
Fast forward, I weighed 267 lbs. That was last week. Since I started blogging, I’ve lost 6 pounds. I like that I’ve lost the weight. I hope I can maintain my momentum when I get to the flatter part of the weight loss curve.
I’ve never had good self control. When it is time to try hard, I waffle and weep. When it is time to say no to sugar I say “yes please” and stuff my face. But that has to change now.
I went to the gym yesterday. I went to late in the day. It was too crowded for my taste, and I was uninspired. I only did about 10 minutes of light cardio before I threw int he towel. Today I went for a hike, but not a very long one. The thing I am doing really well with is eating right. I am no longer going over my calories, and I’m actually finding foods to love, within my calorie price range. Like mini heirloom tomatoes. have I mentioned those before? best ever. And green grapes. Bell peppers. Apples. Tea. Lentils. Squash. Sweet potato. Ground turkey.
Btw, I’ve discovered that pomegranate concentrate, curry, masala spice mix, cinnamon and onion are GREAT in ground turkey, and/or lentils with squash, sweet potato, quinoa and carrot (seen above). You can get pre-steamed lentils at Trader Joe’s, which makes it easier.