Days 6 & 7: Looking Back

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getting better at cat tails?
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Selfie of the day. Trying to like myself in pictures is hard. Trying to smile in pictures is harder

      The first time I felt fat I weighed 90 lbs.

To be fair, I was in third grade, and it was tied with one or two other students for “heaviest in class.” How do I know? I know because we were calculating the weight of the class together. We each told the teacher our weight (or the teacher weighed us, I don’t remember that part), and she wrote all the weights on the board, without names. We weighted a literal ton, all together.

That was when I heard it: “who weighs 90 pounds?”

The smallest boy in the class said it loudly, with what I interpreted as disgust in his voice. Probably, looking back on it, he was just surprised, but it hurt. Never mind that I was amongst the tallest in the class. I didn’t register that as connected at the time. I knew that weight is bad, because my mother had been dieting continuously for my whole life.

The first time I dieted was when I was 12. I remember because I was frightened because someone, possibly my father, said that kids who are heavy at 13 are likely to continue to be heavy for life. I didn’t embark on a healthy lifestyle change, it was a no-carb crash diet.

Then I stopped trying, as all yoyo dieters eventually stop. And started again a year or two later. Lather, rinse, repeat.

My breasts grew down instead of out, my arms were flabby, my belly seemed huge (retrospect is kinder), and I began to see myself as fat. I didn’t make the distinction between having fat and being fat. I was fat, and my fatty status was beginning to see as unchangeable as my height.

It didn’t help that I was diagnosed (perhaps incorrectly–I am probably depressive or dysthymic) as bipolar when I was still in grade school, and therefore always felt that if I was experiencing a mood of any kind, it was justified to demand compensation from the world, in the form of sugary things.

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grapes, pistachios, mini heirloom tomatoes: snack
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carbs=veggies and fruit

Fast forward, I weighed 267 lbs. That was last week. Since I started blogging, I’ve lost 6 pounds. I like that I’ve lost the weight. I hope I can maintain my momentum when I get to the flatter part of the weight loss curve.

I’ve never had good self control. When it is time to try hard, I waffle and weep. When it is time to say no to sugar I say “yes please” and stuff my face. But that has to change now.

I went to the gym yesterday. I went to late in the day. It was too crowded for my taste, and I was uninspired. I only did about 10 minutes of light cardio before I threw int he towel. Today I went for a hike, but not a very long one. The thing I am doing really well with is eating right. I am no longer going over my calories, and I’m actually finding foods to love, within my calorie price range. Like mini heirloom tomatoes. have I mentioned those before? best ever. And green grapes. Bell peppers. Apples. Tea. Lentils. Squash. Sweet potato. Ground turkey.

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The story of dinner

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Btw, I’ve discovered that pomegranate concentrate, curry, masala spice mix, cinnamon and onion are GREAT in ground turkey, and/or lentils with squash, sweet potato, quinoa and carrot (seen above). You can get pre-steamed lentils at Trader Joe’s, which makes it easier.

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12 thoughts on “Days 6 & 7: Looking Back

  1. Let Me just say that you….should DEFINITELY smile because you’re beautiful! Great job finding foods that are working! I love that moment when I fall in love with something healthy and I can legitimately tell people “my favorite food right now is asparagus. not kidding.” 😉

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  2. Keep going girl! Never ever give up! Check out my blog posts about my weightloss and I hope it’ll give you the motivation you need to turn your mind around. You have already achieved 6 pounds! Keep going! I cannot wait to continue to follow your blogs throughout your journey! I know we don’t know each other but I believe in you 🙂

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  3. Best wishes to you on your journey!!!
    I have doctor reports from when I was a teenager stating that I was concerned with my weight (I was all bones) and that disturbs me greatly. I am now overweight and on a #100LBWeightLossJourney just started 21dayfix and am loving it. Down 5 lbs in 3 days so far!
    You can do it!!!
    ~Heather

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      1. When I moved out west away from my family and friends is when it started for me to really start. Depression and anxiety hit me hard. I absolutely agree that your self perception definitely affects your weight.

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    1. Hi Heather, I am trying the 21dayfix too since I need to go back to proper portion control. I don’t have to think much about it which is nice. If it fits, eat it! Good luck on your journey too. I am also trying Thrive for Women. Have you heard of it from Lev-el? I take like 16 pills a day for supplements for Calcium, Fish oil, Vitamin D, etc and hopefully Thrive will eliminate all those pills for me.

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