Day 13: Flagging, and self – flagellation

*warning: my bombastic streak is in evidence today*

I knew this day would come. No one is perfect, and I understand that. And yet, I grieve that my previously unblemished color-in calendar bears a red stain so early. My panties also risk red stains… Causation or mere correlation?  IMG_3267-0.JPG

I had begun my plan eagerly awaiting my day of temptation, ready to fight it tooth and nail, ready to conquer. But it was sneaky. It’s the damnedest thing. I thought I was doing fine, then suddenly I log my last meal and BOOM. Where did those sneaky calories come from? Was it because I put half an avocado in my smoothie? Was the fistfuls of nuts every hour or two (probably. Note to self: nuts stay off the work table)? Or was it that I planned to exercise, but flagged after a meager 10 minutes of elliptical?

I had some dark moments today, feeling like my old self again, the self that is tired and uninspired by life, filled with self-loathing and general grumpiness. My poor husband noticed, and because he is in control, apparently at all times, he couldn’t fathom how I could manifest my crankiness over the phone or in person. He kept asking me why I was acting “this way,” which, as you know if you’ve ever been grumpy, is a great way to make yourself unpleasant to be around. I really just wanted peaceable quiet, since I wasn’t feeling the whole “human interaction” idea at the time. But my love never lets go. By the end of a 20 minute drive, I was nearly in tears, and nearly ready to claw my own throat out, I felt so bad for bothering my patient husband. But his reminders that “I never act this way with you” really just made me extra impatient with him. Yes. You’re better at life than I am. Whoopdeedoo for you.

He always needs to get the answer to his questions. Often, I don’t have satisfactory answers for him. For the life of me, I can’t imagine why he can’t just drop it if I ask him to. I couldn’t do something like that, if I knew it were making my loved one miserable. He has a higher unpleasantness threshold than I do, so maybe he thought I was just being a diva. I am sorry that he got the brunt of my mood. He never deserved that.

I don’t feel all that bad about my diet though. I ate too many calories, but the foods were not really the sort of thing I feel are sinful. All were wholesome and fresh (except the veggie chips. Those were not “fresh” per se).

I welcome tomorrow as a chance to do better. I shall be more alert. Nothing will sneak past me. And tomorrow my gym buddy will be available again, so I won’t bail as readily. I will have so much water and tea always on hand, that I never stray to foods with calories. I hadn’t really felt tempted before, since I started this new plan. This is actually a good thing. I can’t know that I’m really on the mend until I can see temptation and say “sorry, no.”

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day one of relearning to art. 5 min sketch of Tarsier from googled image. He’s eating. That’s not a tiny cigar in his mouth

In other news, I’ve started my attempts to draw without tracing, erasing or starting over. I also put a timer on, so that I wouldn’t dawdle for ever. I picked the tarsier because I’ve decided that he shall be the “ghrelin gremlin” incarnate. Eventually, I will make a drawing of him for the header of this blog. Whether or not I trace that image, is yet to be decided. I may have to practice freehand more before I decide. Or maybe I’ll do more than one. This was my reference. Feel free to provide criticism, but be gentle, since I am a beginner.

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5 thoughts on “Day 13: Flagging, and self – flagellation

  1. Hang in there – red days will come & people won’t always cheer us on the way we want them to – but tomorrow’s a new day & who knows what will happen!

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  2. It sounds like you have done really well the last 13 days, amazingly well! So you had one day where you splurged a little and ate to many calories. Your human and sometimes a little break in strictness is just what we need to get refreshed and back to it the next day. Keep it up and you will reach your goal! 🙂 Hope tomorrow is a better and happier day for you.

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