I’m so tired today. Or not even really tired, just extremely listless and unmotivated. For the past hour or two I’ve been trying to get the clothes out of the laundry baskets and into the closet. I think I’ve managed to hang about 6 shirts. I don’t know why this is happening again. I need help. I need to help myself. But all I want to do is sleep. I don’t even want to do things I I like. I hate this. And I’m cold, which is unusual for me.
Does anyone know some magical way to fix this? I can barely bring myself to walk across the room. It’s actually a bit scary.
I have decided to take another nap for 10 minutes, then try again. This is humiliating.
Every day I solemnly vow to myself (and occasionally my husband) that I will be better than yesterday. Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely killing it compared to September and before. I’m just not going as strong as I was in October. I’m not as enthusiastic about logging, and not as interested in cooking. My gym buddy is out of town, and I’m finding it hard to motivate myself to go alone. After my initial bout of success with the Get Running app, I’ve started to regress towards the level of my first attempts (possibly because I’m not psychologically ready to start the next week and ramp up in difficulty).
Today I tried to do a run. When I got to the park, I saw what I at first thought was someone on a bike going around the field. It was actually two women running. Or, rather, a woman and a teen. They would jog most of the lap, but sprint in a certain section. They looked so happy and beautiful. I was immediately jealous. What would I be like today if I had learned to love running as a teenager? I decided to walk until they left, so that they wouldn’t see my sad little jog. Even so, I felt like an escaped character from the Ministry of Silly Walks, with my over pronation and the fact that my knee occasionally half-way buckles while I walk. They kept going around and around, and I wanted to just stare at them the whole time. By the time they left, I’d been spending so much time thinking about how weird my walk is and trying to figure out how to walk normally, my ankles we starting to feel weird. I did two one-minute runs out of the eight I was supposed to do, but lost heart. My shins hurt. Why does it seem to be getting harder again?
Tomorrow I must go to the gym and really work. Tomorrow I must truly start the 21 day fix, and stay with it throughout the entire day. On Friday I will have a new gym buddy. This new buddy is less conveniently located, but maybe that’s for the best. I don’t think I’ll want to drive 20 minutes just to wimp out.
Someday I will look as happy and beautiful as the running women. And I hope that someday I will run with a daughter or a son of my own.
Eeek. I’m really not doing great these past few days. I keep making exception after exception, and it will add up really quickly if I’m not careful. I’m becoming my same old self again, and I can’t be that anymore. That self is honestly horrible and I hate being around her. That self can’t stay awake. That self never gets anything done. That self cries too much and is too angry. That self needs to be put down, six feet down, so that the new self I’m working on can grow.
Some history. I was diagnosed as bipolar around 5th grade, mostly because my sister was clearly and undeniably bipolar and my mother was scared for me. I was put on meds before puberty. To this day, I can’t figure out if I was rightly diagnosed. It’s possible that the symptoms I displayed were actually just childish/pubescent follies. But I think even if I was correctly diagnosed, it would have been better not to tell me until I was more mature. Because I used it as an excuse to really wallow in every passing mood. I felt that my feelings must be more intense than other people’s and that I needed to be more dramatic, so that everyone would understand just how artistically damaged I was, and how I suffered. I also felt I had to prove to myself that the diagnosis was correct. I became quite melodramatic. And lazy. All I ever had to do if I wanted something done for me was tell my mother I was too depressed to do it myself. I indulged my every stupid, lazy whim. I always excused myself because of my disorder.
New therapist/psychiatrist now. He thinks I may just be dysthymic. Laziness and self indulgence are habits I still struggle with, having never learned any other way to be. I got a lot of the “everyone is special” message, and not enough of the “even special people need to work hard” side of the story. I never noticed that this was a problem until I met my husband. His upbringing was different. For example, one of his math teachers in childhood used to administer corporal punishment to the lowest performing students. My husband says he really improved his math skills during that teacher’s reign. Flopping around complaining about emotions would not have been an effective strategy. If you look at us now, he is able to focus on anything that he needs to focus on, and stay focused for a very long time, while I have roughly the attention (and memory) span of a goldfish.
Back to the present. I’m having feelings, not related to anything, and it’s making it hard to keep on track. My sudden interest in getting healthy followed close on the heels of being given Abilify to improve the effects of my antidepressants. I’m not saying that’s why I was able to start so strong, but it does make me wonder. So now I’m wondering if I’ve been forgetting to take my meds, or the I’ve gotten used to the abilify and it no longer works, or whether none of it has anything to do with the pills. It’s a weird feeling to not be able to separate your own personality, drive and emotions from a handful of pills.
So I need to focus on staying positive, and act as though I have no emotional instability. If I dwell on being bipolar or dysthymic, I just get more and more severely depressive. I’m absolutely not saying that that is true of anyone else, just me.
So I’ve had a few iffy days, and not really exercised the hardest I’ve ever tried. I will do better tomorrow. I need to work on pre-planning my 21 day fix meals, because I haven’t been successful at making myself measure everything out in the moments before I eat it. Also, I need to log things on lose it before I eat, not after.
I need to listen to more music that makes me happy and keep my spirits up. Most of all, I think I need to blog more regularly, to make sure I do all the things I say I’ll do!
Today I woke up at 4 am, just in time to see my husband stop studying and come to bed. I tried not to wake him, but I had no intention of sleeping. Instead, I came up with a plan for the morning, which I wrote out while he slept. I would get up and dressed at 5:30, head to the garage and do yoga. I’ve found a podcast (from yogadownload.com) that talks me through yoga flows. I recommend it as more portable than a video, and since, when you’re moving around like that, you can’t easily watch a video anyway. I would then go for a walk to watch the sun rise, and maybe a run.
And that’s what I did (except I didn’t run because it’s too hilly. I’m considering going to my usual running place later today). While it was a bit of a struggle, and I didn’t finish the whole series of sun salutations, it felt really nice to have done yoga first thing. I stopped mostly because I didn’t want to miss the sunrise. At first the arrangement of clouds looked goofy, especially in that florescent coral color. I was able to get to the top of the hill in plenty of time to see the first rays of sunlight. I took tons of picture, most of which I’ll spare you from since they are pretty similar. Then suddenly I noticed that the morning sun was making me feel pretty! So I took some selfies. In most of them I look disgruntled because the sun was blinding me, but I managed to get one picture of myself that I can share. My hair had been in braid all night and I hadn’t yet bothered to brush it, so I had to shove it all to one side.
I saw two really large birds that I think might have been red tailed hawks, and I saw either three coyotes or one coyote three times. All in all, I would say that my experimental morning walk was a great success, and I hope I will continue to be tough enough to say goodbye to bed sheets and hello to sunshine and exercise.
My weight persists in remaining at 250 lbs. Some things are inevitable though, and I’m not bothered that my scale isn’t keeping up with the changes in the person that I am. I had a breakfast of oatmeal, pecans, peach, banana and raspberries, amounts in accordance with the 21 day fix plan. I have yet to try any of the 21 day fix workouts, since I am so happy with running (or extra slow jogging, as the case may be) and elliptical right now. What I need to start doing is start working my arms and strengthening my core. I’m also starting to try the social feature on Lose it, just to see what it’s like. So far so good. People seem to respond to comments pretty quick, although I see no opportunity for private chatting.
Update: I was also out walking as the sun went down
I have been accidentally waking at 4 am lately. I have never before been a “morning person” and I have a hard time figuring out what to do with this new fact of life. I want to keep this morning time and make it useful (although 5 is better than 4). It’s still hard to get out of bed so early, even by 6 or 7. But I think I should get up when I’m fully awake, no matter if it’s early. Going back to sleep won’t make me more rested at that point, I’ll just get groggy. Everyday I tell myself “tomorrow I’ll get up when I awaken, and I’ll do sun salutations.” Somehow, tomorrow never comes.
On Monday, I spilled water on my computer. I had to take it to the Apple Store and there was a 2 hour wait. Ultimately they just told me to dry it over a towel for three days, then see if it turns on.
During the waiting time I ate three chocolates, a huge cookie, a huge slice of pizza and pumpkin cheesecake. All were excellent, but I felt bad. If I hadn’t already felt bad about my computer, if I’d thought to eat before going out, if the wait had been shorter, the oopsie might not have happened. I threw up when I got home. That will be the first and last time I try that method of fixing it, because I felt just as guilty afterwards. Sorry for sharing that, but it happened and I didn’t want to lie about it. Anyway, never again.
While I was at the Apple Store, I got a Withings Pulse. I like it so much! Do any of you have one? Or want to be my friend in the Withings app?
In other news, the running is going well. Really well. I’m actually finding that I kind of enjoy it, which is shocking. The key was something my husband said about dragging my feet. I had been trying to run in imaginary cement overshoes, and it didn’t work well. Now that I know to think about taking my feet off of the ground, running works a lot better.
I’m having a hard time keeping to my plans. I’m going to work on that.
Meantime, I’ve been undertaking the weight loss battle for 34 days now, so I’m a tenth of the way through the 340 days that lose it! initially estimated it would take to reach my goal. Lose it has since re estimated. Apparently it’s now projected that a will reach the goal a month early. If I keep shaving time off the end, while still progressing through time normally, it feels like I could reach my goal relatively soon, and it gets sooner everyday! When is not the most important thing, but it’s exciting all the same.
My husband is from Kenya. He’s not from the tribe that wins all the endurance races (he’s from Obama’s daddy’s tribe), but running seems to be something of a national pastime, or it is at least among the local expats. Anyway. He loves running. Right now he is very busy with school, so he hasn’t had a good run in many months…. Which means he’s probably lost some ground.
I’ve taken up attempting to run, starting Tuesday. My hope is that by the time he has time to seriously run again, I’ll be good enough to run along behind him without looking too pathetic. Maybe even run alongside him sometimes, although his aggressive encouragement might break me down. He has a hard time with words like “can’t.” Or maybe, by then, I’ll love to push myself, hard as that is to imagine.
So I have an app called “get running” that basically breaks the task of trying to start running down into more manageable pieces. Week 1 of get running is 8 one-minute runs, with a minute and a half of walking between each, plus warm up and cool down (more walking). On Tuesday, I couldn’t quite manage it. Yet.
Wednesday was awful, I was basically driving back and forth for the whole day, and for some reason lately driving has really been hurting my right leg. That is getting old real quick. I think my ankles are just stupid because of “over pronation.” Basically, when I step, instead of landing nicely, my ankle flops around like Raggedy Ann and I end up putting all my weight on the inside of my foot. If you do this, the soles of your shoes will wear down under the arches faster than the outside. I’m becoming ever more paranoid about my feet and ankles, so you might think this worry is hypochondria, but I know the over pronation thing is true because an expert said so some years back.
My husband tells me that I walk like a duck. After seeing my reaction to this, he tried to soften the blow with “I didn’t mean it in a bad way. Ducks are beautiful.” Nice save, darling. After that I was giggling to much to be sad about being told that I waddle like a duck.
Yesterday (Saturday) I completed all eight of the one minute runs prescribed by my “Get Running” app. I had to break it up a little, add in some extra walking and some time to sit and do ankle circles. I still feel I triumphed.
The park I have chosen is a couple miles from home, so my husband decided to run to the park and meet me, which was nice. As predicted, he did try to convince me to do more than I felt I could, but I explained that I will build up over time. There is no need to make it hellish for myself. The app agrees with me. He watched my final minute run and pointed out that I’m doing something weird with my right leg/foot. Not surprising, since that’s the side that’s hurting. I wish I knew how to fix it.
I weighed myself this morning! 15 pounds down! It’s time for another treat… Still deciding. Thinking of going for beads…
In other news, Today I’m also starting the “21 day fix.” I was inspired to try this because it seems like I’ve seen a bunch of other bloggers happy with it. Hehe, I’m a blogger now. I don’t remember exactly who I saw talking about it, and it’s possible that it was always mentioned on the same blog, but if that was you, thanks. This looks very good to me. It seems like there is a lot of wisdom to glean here in the blogosphere, and reading other blogs has helped me immensely. So thank you all