Here we go again, AGAIN

I’ve grown tired of the look of perplexity and hurt on my husbands face when he asks me, for the millionth time, why I would eat something I know is bad for me. To him, the actions come from a place of logic and reasoning. For me, at least/especially with regards to food, it’s as though Mr. Hyde is making my food choices. And I can never quite explain to my husband what happened. The closest I’ve ever gotten to explaining myself is “I don’t know.” You’ll notice that that’s not very close to an explanation. Occasionally, I’ll spend such a long time trying to formulate a response, that my husband thinks I’m ignoring him and gets quietly frustrated. He’s a saint, so it comes out as mild sarcasm instead of rage. Who knew that “ok, thank you” could be so completely devastating?

So I have to try again, again. I can’t keep disappointing him like this, especially since I’m not on top of any of the other things I need to do. The trick is, I know this lifestyle-change can’t work unless I’m doing it for myself. So here’s me, trying to be excited about this again, like I was in October. I was great in October, and I’m not sure why. I was blogging, gymming, and counting calories on my app like a pro. I lost about 20 lbs that month. But my gym buddy moved away, very suddenly, and everything sort of fell apart. I think part of it was that in October I wasn’t so lonely, and I was employed. But enough moping!

I’m reading a book called “Eat to Live” by Dr Joel Fuhrman. It’s sort of exciting, but also kind of just a more extreme version of stuff I’ve heard before. His case is that if you fill yourself with “nutrient rich” foods (like kale), you won’t have room for cake. He wants animal bi-products and oils pretty much out of the picture, to be replaced with more fruits and veggies and a limited amount of nuts. Follow this plan, he says, and all your ailments will be healed. I’m not really exaggerating much. The sequelae (yay, new word for me!) of obesity begin to reverse themselves, apparently, once you start filling yourself with good stuff and, you know, stop being obese. So, maybe my PCOS will go away? That’s a little unclear, since it’s unclear whether PCOS is caused by, or contributes to, obesity. Certainly, the two often (not always) go hand-in-hand. I’ll be hopeful. Maybe even my beard will go away! Hope will have to keep me going, at least until Results kick in.

So I’m restarting my “color in the day” program (green was a good day, etc), picking up LoseIt! again and trying to go to the gym every day. I’m trying to get in the habit of planning my days in advance, in a planner. Trying to find a new gym buddy–I have one friend who might workout, once he gets over meningitis. Also trying to find a personal trainer.

Have you guys heard of Thumbtack? It’s a website/app that lets you put in what service you want to find a professional to perform, and the area code you want that in, and then professionals send you quotes. Two trainers sent me quotes. Now I have to pick. One is farther away and more expensive, plus I’d have to join his gym, but has 25 years of experience and sounds really good. The other is closer to home and cheaper, but keeps mentioning detoxing and I can’t help but wonder if that’s a gimmick. Still, he has some privacy at his studio, while the other does not. I’m very torn about who to pick, or whether I should try and find others. The problem is that most personal training services seem not to be very upfront about what the price is, and that makes it hard to compare, or even know what my real options are. Ultimately, I know that any personal trainer is going to be able to do me a world of good, simply by being there, giving me direction and forcing me into a schedule. And if that’s true, maybe I should just go for the cheaper one? I’m not a naturally decisive person. I do think I like Thumbtack though, so that’s nice to know.

I’m glad to be back. It took me a long time to get myself back on here, but blogging is fun. I keep forgetting that. Any comment you can spare, even the most inane one you can invent, will make me very happy and help me feel supported. Even views  So thank you. Here are some excepts from the book I’m reading.IMG_5132 IMG_5137   IMG_5138

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2 thoughts on “Here we go again, AGAIN

  1. I’m so glad to see you back on track! No one has ever outright asked me why I’ve eaten foods that are “bad” for me when I obviously know better, and I honestly don’t know what my response would be. For me, it feels like rebellion when I let go of that control of the balance. Fortunately, I haven’t done this in about 8 months, but I’m constantly afraid that I might. In fact, it’s more likely that I WILL at some point fall off track. So, how do we set ourselves up for success, knowing that we are imperfect? For me, reminders of why I started and of what my future could be if I stopped trying are the one thing that has infallibly worked up to this point. I agree with eating nutrient-rich foods. The more you can plan, the better you will do!

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    1. Thank you for welcoming me back, it helps so much!
      “Why did you eat that?” is a tough question to answer. The motivations are so convoluted and irrational that there really is no way to help someone (who doesn’t already understand) wrap their head around what happened. That’s why I treasure my fellow bloggers so very much. I don’t have to try and “unscrew the inscrutable” to make myself understood. The understanding is just there, waiting for me, every time I come here.

      Liked by 2 people

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