So, I declared that I would post again today, and here I am, posting. Win.
Yesterday was a pretty bad day. I just felt wretched and useless and I spent several hours taking an undeserved nap. Not even a good nap. I had timers going off every 20 to 30 minutes, trying to make the napping stop, but I kept saying “just one more” over and over. I felt depressed and scared of everything. I went to the gym (a 20 minute drive away) and left without going in, then went back a few hours later and did a short, slightly shoddy workout.
I made the decision last night that I would do better today. I listened to a hypnosis app about making a choice to be happy as I went to bed. When I woke up, I dragged myself (with my friend) to 6 am bikram. After that, I posted on my weight loss facebook group and texted another friend until it was time to go to personal training. I felt strong, hopeful and connected to people.
After training, I met my mother and my husband for coffee. But before I got out of the car, someone called me. It was one of those guys who matches job seekers with jobs, and he’d found my resume and thought I might be a good fit for a position he had found. He asked me to make a couple adjustments to my resume.
That’s when the day took a turn for the weird. While he was talking, I was excited and hopeful. But later, when it came time to adjust my resume, I sort of freaked out and started worrying a lot. I took another nap (although this time it felt earned because of the double workout), had a less healthy lunch than I had intended, and procrastinated like crazy.
You see, I’m scared of change, and my situation right now is comfortable. I’m living at my parents house, everything is taken care of and free. A job doesn’t feel urgent, and I would be sorry to say goodbye to my copious free time for naps and gym. And I’m a bit terrified that I won’t be good at whatever I get employed to do. What if I can’t meet the deadlines? What if I’m expected to know things I don’t know yet? What if I know even less than I think I know?
But I ultimately got the resume out. No response yet, but it hasn’t been long.
In the meantime, someone on facebook posted an article that shifted my perspective. It’s called Why You Should Aim for 100 Rejections a Year. Even just the title gave me hope. If trying to get hired is too terrifying, maybe I can treasure rejections as proof that I’m trying, that I am willing to put myself out there. And if I’ve got a rejection goal, instead of being devastated by each “nope,” I can see it as progress towards something.
I guess that’s all at the moment. I’ll post again by Friday evening. Now I’m going to try and be productive with what’s left of the day.