On Jan 7th I ate things that were not in line with my goals. That’s ok, I can learn from that. What’s worse though is I didn’t keep track of them or how I felt afterwards. That I regret.
It started with what was supposed to be a nice lunch with my husband. Unfortunately, it took us more than 35 minutes to decide where to eat, sitting in the car while it rained, me making suggestions and him turning them down. By the end I was frustrated and hungry. We settled on Italian food. When they served the bread, I was still hungry and angry and used that as an excuse to eat a piece and a half of bread. Looking back on it, that’s actually not that big a deal, but it felt like a huge betrayal at the time.
That feeling of disappointment opened the gate to all-or-nothing thinking and more excuses, which came into play when I was in San Francisco with my sister. It started with a boba Thai iced tea. Then we went to a movie and I had popcorn, junior mints and some of her coke. after the movie we walked for maybe 15 minutes and then went to the restaurant where Matt works, where I had two glasses of wine, a dessert (sort of creamy stuff in phyllo dough with raspberry sauce), and some bites of dolmas and this other thing that was apricot sauce on phyllo dough pouches filled with shredded chicken.
So I’m going to do I run down of things I could have done differently/should try to do in the future.
First, the discussion of where to eat. Maybe I could have controlled my emotions better. Also I don’t mind the rain, so I could have said “I’m going for a walk, call me when you’ve decided.” That would cut down on the feelings of hope and disappointment when i thought I had an option and then he turned it down.
At the restaurant, I could have used several strategies to avoid the bread. I could have asked them not to bring it. I could have told myself that I’m skipping it just for today. I could have reminded myself that I was about to go to SF and if I wanted to splurge, I should wait and have something amazing while I’m there. I could have reminded myself that I’m doing this for me, and not for my husband. I could have stopped when I realized that the bread wasn’t as amazing as it smelled.
The boba tea…. how could I have avoided that? I went in pretty determined to eat something “naughty.” I don’t really know how to abort when I’ve already made up my mind that I don’t care. How do you change your own mind when you don’t even want to change your mind? I don’t think I even considered not getting something. In fact, I was disappointed that my sister didn’t offer to get me one of the pastries. I wanted to eat a lot of innutritious foods as we passed them; cupcakes, ice cream, chocolate, pastries.
I felt I couldn’t use “just for today” because I am not often in that area (“if not now, when?”), but maybe I could have. It’s not like I am unable to go there if I want to. Also, I wasn’t even getting what I really wanted, so why did I have to get anything at all? And I knew I’d be in a movie theatre an hour after, so I wouldn’t be able to log the aftermath.
Even as I was asking for the junior mints, I knew “these won’t be amazing.” Again, I wasn’t really thinking very much, probably on some level I was afraid I might talk myself out of it and then I wouldn’t have candy. I could have skipped that, and the handfuls of popcorn and the sips of coke. I think, going forward, if I know I’m in a situation where I can’t log, I just won’t eat (within reason, I can occasionally log later). From now on, when I go to the movies, I’ll ask for a big glass of water with ice and skip the rest. That food was really not amazing. Maybe a 3 or less out of ten.
I think I only drank the wine because I didn’t realize I was also going to eat, and I thought I might get bored. But I don’t even really like wine. I could have skipped that.
I don’t regret the Middle Eastern food, that was something special. I just wish I had been more moderate throughout the day so I could have felt comfortable ordering something like a meal instead of having nibbles of others’ foods.
So far, this whole post has been inspired by Primal Potential‘s Elizabeth Benton‘s suggestion that we look curiously and unflinchingly at our “mistakes.” When you do something you are better off not repeating, she suggests breaking it down, looking at all the circumstances leading up to it and identifying possible “pattern interrupts” (intercepts? oh memory, you always disappoint) to use in the future, especially if it’s a frequently occurring situation. Yesterday was not so typical, but I still felt inspired to break it down, just for fun and learning.
In other news, there was a sad moment in the bathroom of the movie theatre. I caught the eye of my reflection and was frustrated/disgusted by what I saw. I looked shabby but also over dressed for the kids’ movie I’d just seen (Sing!). I also looked huge, of course.
But I tried to curb those feelings as much as I could and put those thoughts out of my mind. I think it was a good chance to practice not working myself up. But I’ve definitely got some work to do on the “self love” front.