Category Archives: Triumph

I Love Ya, Tomorrow

So, #operationVisibleDifference is in full effect. I can’t remember if I explained it already, so I’ll just expain now. My hubby is away, so while he’s gone I want to make a visible difference in my body composition to surprise him. I mentioned this plan in a Facebook group and someone put the number sign in front of it, and that looked right to me, so that’s how I’ll write it from now on. Not being a tweeter (Twitterer? Twit? Twat?), I don’t really understand hashtags. Is there already a tag of #operationVisibleDifference? If there is, is that a problem? 

So the operation is in effect, I’ve had a couple days going to bikram and doing a regular workout every day, and now 3 days of rest (although I probably shouldn’t have taken today off). I lost 3 pounds in 3 days. I ate a little recklessly yesterday, but I don’t think I actually did any damage. I went on an 8 mile hike the day before. I feel really good about this whole idea. It feels good to have a goal and to work towards it. 

Unfortunately, I have not been as proactive about my JavaScript study and job search. But that ends now. And by “now” I mean “tomorrow.” I’ve drawn up a schedule for myself, or more precisely, a list of things to do in order. 



For those who can’t read my handwriting (can I have a show of hands for those who can read it? No one? Oh, ok then), that list is:

Bikram

Breakfast 

Training 

Bird –15 min (I’m trying to get my parakeet to like me. Have any tips? I don’t know what I’m doing)

Shower (damn right I have to schedule that in, otherwise I’ll just be gross all day)

Job search

Anki –1 hr (that’s a flash card program, free for desktop, that I recommend)

Lunch

Room cleaning –1 hr (a sort of side project included in #operationVisibleDifference, because I know he’ll like to see the room looking nice)

Bird –15 min

Headfirst JavaScript (a book I’m working through) –1 hr

Swahili flash cards (also to impress my husband, who is a native speaker) 

Headfirst –1 hr

Movement (a few body weight squats or whatever, I haven’t picked yet, I just want get blood moving again so I don’t fall asleep)

Headfirst –1 hr 

…And repeat the last two until it’s dinner time.

This will be hard for me, as I am very lazy. I will want to stop and sleep for hours. Often I’m too tired after my workouts, such that even taking a shower seems insurmountably daunting. But that shit ain’t gonna fly no more. I’m becoming a new person. I kind of need your help though, because if I don’t put this out on my blog, I will lose steam and stop trying, take a nap. I need to imagine that there is someone out there who has read this and who is really hoping I pull through tomorrow, that I executed my plan flawlessly and who will be disappoint if I fail. Then once I’ve done it with your help, proving I can do it, maybe I can eventually do it alone.

In other news, I took a before pic! 



A bit sunburnt from my 8 mile hike.

And here is one compared to a month ago. Although my weight is technically higher in the photo on the right, I think I actually look visibly better.



And, because those are so ugly, here are some pictures I feel good about





Post workout

January 7

I just finished day 2 on my “get running” app on a treadmill at planet fitness. I just want to write down how I’m feeling so I don’t forget how good it feels.

I feel warm. My legs feel especially warm, and they remember motion the same way my body used to remember the waves on the night after a day at the beach. My breath feels easy and clear. My heart feels alive. I feel fully awake for the first time today. My head feels a bit light, but not unpleasantly so.

Most of all, I feel content, again for the first time today. I feel “in the moment,” in my body, but not in the noisy gym where I’m waiting for my husband to finish up. I’m listening to my current favorite piece, (link here).

I’m beginning to feel the cold. It’s not unpleasant. It moves over me in chills, seemingly synced to the music.

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January 8

I tried to do my another day of Get Running today, but I think I needed a break from it. I made it through 7 of the 8 one minute runs. Still felt good, just not as good as yesterday.

My goal is to love running. So many people do, including people who never thought they could. It seems at least possible that if I’m careful, patient and positive, I might cultivate a love of running too. Then I could run with my husband, and we would have something that we would enjoy doing together outside of the house.

Part of the reason why I think it’s possible to love running is because I’ve been listening to the Half Size Me podcast, and there are some stories of people who have lost impressive amounts of weight, and discovered that they love running. If they can do it, why shouldn’t I give it a shot?

That podcast (I may have mentioned it in 2014, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess no one remembers me doing so) is doing a lot to keep my spirits up. The host/creator/master mind behind it lost 170 lbs–and maintained the loss for 4 years this month–herself, and seems to have made it her mission to spread the gospel of possibilities. She does it through interviews with other awesome losers.

I love it because I need inspiration as much as anyone, but I find the motivational poster/quote with picture medium hard to swallow. If it has to be dressed up that much, how can I be sure it’s really deep and not just glamorous? But I find my own incidental inspirational quotes in the podcast, and I write them down if I can (often I’m driving).

Here are four of my favorites. Sadly, I don’t have any idea which episodes these come from, I’ve been binge listening (lol) for over a week.

I decide what happens to my body

 

How would I treat myself, how would I act, if I loved myself? What would I say when I talk to myself?

 

I choose to run happy!

 

You have to walk each step to be ready for the next one.

I could probably write a post about what each of these mean to me, and maybe I should, but for now I’ll let you make of them what you will.

In other news, I’m trying to be more positive…. actually, I guess the more positive way to say that is I have decided to BE more positive. There is no try, and all that. We’ll see.

It’s not easy, though I seem to have others fooled. I can still feel the darkness of how I am if I’m not careful, just under the surface of positive thoughts. But that’s ok, I just have to believe that the positive will seep through into the core of my being.

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For long-term positivity and appreciation of all that is good in my life, I am stealing an idea that I read about a few days ago on the Damn girl, that’s a lot of fattitude blog. The good jar. In my case, it’s the good box, because I have a love of boxes that borders on the ridiculous, so I had a beautiful box I felt would be perfect. It’s also A great way to use the tiny pad of lovely peacock paper I got years ago. Nothing ever seemed right to write on it until now. It’s just a shame my handwriting is such garbage.

For the whole year, I will write down whenever something especially good happens to me. I want to fill it, so I am also including good decision. At the end of the year, I can look back on my year of goodness and be glad I kept track. The trick will be to not forget. I often forget things. I’ll keep it visible, even in the way, as much as possible.

In my last post I forgot to mention how I chose to mark the dawn of the new year.

Very literal. I watched the sun rise. It was lovely… a little cold. I noticed that the frost didn’t form until the sun was rising, and I wondered about that. If you know anything regarding frost, let me know. It’s hilly where I live, so it was light for a while before the sun managed to clear the hill.

That’s all for now, I think.

 

New year, new scale

My special Lose it! scale came today! It measures body fat and hydration and syncs to my phone via Bluetooth. So far, I’m super excited about it. I know many people consider it psychologically unhealthy, but for the past week I’ve been weighing myself nearly daily. 



I’m excited because I feel that tracking these descriptions of my body will help me control my health and move in a positive direction. 

Today, I started listening to an episode of Half-size Me, a podcast about weight loss and maintenance. It was this episode 



and the interviewee said something that stuck with me, “How would I treat myself, how would I act, if I loved myself? What would I say when I talk to myself?”

That may seem simple, but it gave me an idea. This may sound horrible, but I’m going to try pretending to love myself. Yeah, not as good as actually loving myself, but I think it’s actually a step on that path. Even if I can’t make myself feel something I don’t feel, I can make myself treat myself differently, and I can try to keep a better leash on my thoughts.

A month or two ago, I was at a very low point. I had disappointed my husband again. We were driving home, and when we got there we just sat in the car together, silently. I was dry eyed. My husband asked me what I was thinking.

“Nothing.”

He insisted.

“Please I don’t want to tell you.” I can’t tell him, that would be so manipulative, abusive even. You melodramatic bitch. Keep your mouth shut.

But he never gives up. I couldn’t think of a lie, so I started crying as I told him “I was thinking how much better off you’d be if I killed myself.” 

I explained how he’d be sad for a while, but he’s tough enough, he’d get over it. Then he could marry someone better. I was thinking of the kind of woman I’d want for him. I was wondering if I had the strength and courage to kill myself for his sake. And I didn’t cry until I was forced to tell him. The idea didn’t even seem sad to me. That’s how deep my self loathing runs. 

Obviously he objected and made me feel better, as I knew he would if I told him. He told me that he needs me. That’s why I felt I couldn’t tell him. As long as the idea stayed in my head, it was noble, but as soon as the words left my lips, it became self-serving melodrama designed to change his disappointment to concern.

To be clear, I’m not able to kill myself. Not at all. 

So I decided that the better idea was to become the woman I want to be, the woman my husband deserves. To live a better life. I only just made a proper start of it recently, but it seemed to have flipped a switch in me. Changed my perspective.

So, that happened. And, awkward and awful as it was, it seems to have been for the best. 

Not a New Years Resolution

I determined I would not have a New Years Resolution. I would not start my new life on the first day of the new year. I would not.

No, I would jump the gun. I have seen my mother get excited, year after year, about her resolution, only to let them slip. I have become superstitious. My resolution has nothing to do with the New Year. My resolution is about life, not about timekeeping.

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Really though, it is about life, my life and the lives of my as yet unconceived children, our shared health and the quality of my life with my husband.

So I started a few days early, a bumpy start, but solid enough as a place to start. I’m trying to come in under calorie budget as much as I can, within reason, and get exercise regularly. I have been scheduling my days, starting at 5 am (though I haven’t managed that wake up in a week or so) for a while now, and it seems to make everything easier. I put everything into the calendar on my phone, and then it gives me reminders on my apple watch, and that way I can stay on track. Sort of. Driving my husband around at unpredictable hours sort of has ripple effects throughout the day.

IMG_7244Today, I’m somehow 600 calories under budget, despite chocolates and coffee with half a cup of irish cream creamer. I did accidentally skip breakfast, so perhaps that helped me stay under. I also went to personal training this morning. So. Many. Squats. Sumo squats, jump squats, etc. ad nauseam. But I love finishing and knowing my exercise is done for the day, that I’ve accomplished that much before 10 am. It feels good (afterwards).

Those of you who read my last post may be wondering about the bird situation. No, my old bird has not returned. But I’m slowly making progress with Raindrop. I can put my hand in her (I don’t actually know the sex, but it’s easier this way) cage and she doesn’t freak out unless I get too close or move too much. She will eat spray millet tied to a stick that I hold. She chirps at me and fluffs her feathers. I say her name when she looks at me so that the sound of her name and of my voice become familiar. She has such big black eyes, so much more innocent than the golden eyes of Jasmine.

Some of the feathers on her back are slightly yellow. Sadly, when I first saw that I thought it was some kind of stain, but one of the feathers was laying on the table the next day, and I realized that she has yellow and grey stripped feathers. It reminds me of a pale sun breaking out of the clouds. Like a real raindrop, Raindrop holds many colors if you look closely.

Kale is becoming a staple food again. I can eat a whole bag of kale on my own, cooked with onion and dressed with soy sauce. I’ve discovered that a large amount of whipped cream is not very high in calories, and is delicious on raspberries, so that has become something of a staple treat, if that makes sense. Sometimes I go overboard and eat too much whipped cream, but it’s so much air that it’s not easy to really do a huge amount of damage like it would be with, say, chocolates, or all of the other things I might reach for.

I seem to have run out of things to say for tonight, so here are my favorite christmas tree ornaments

May so far: A bad day, a good day, a false start, a fresh start (tomorrow)

So May is off to an interesting start. Very much in the extremes. Here’s the rundown.

May First: A Bad Day

Warning: TMI, feel free to skip to the 2nd. There’s no great way to say this, so I’ll just do it quick like a bandage. I peed myself. Hugely.

My husband will be volunteering at a hospital a maybe 30 minutes away from home. The hospital requires a background check, so he had to go to the sheriff’s office to get his fingerprints looked at or whatever. He doesn’t drive, so I drove him.

I made a point of using the restroom before we set out, but sometimes my body just doesn’t care how careful I’ve been. By the time we reached our destination, I was whimpering in desperation. my husband got out of the car while I was parking, so when I got inside, he’d already been wandering around trying to figure out where to go, and was able to tell me where the bathrooms were. I made it into the bathroom, but nowhere near to the stall. Louis CK said it best “I just see it. And my eyes tell the rest of me ‘f**k it man, let go, we’re here'” (he swears a lot in that clip, but I think you’ll agree that, in the situation, it’s called for). That’s what happened. I hobbled over to the stall, peeing the whole time, wondering why I couldn’t have had just a few more seconds.

You’d think I’d be overcome with mortification, but this sort of thing has happened to me before, and I’ve learned to throw myself at the mercy of others. Granted, in the past it’s always been people I knew, and who cared for me, but in this instance it was just a woman who happened to use one of the other stalls. See, I had left my phone in my car, and wanted to talk to my husband before moving from the safety of the stall. This woman kindly agreed to bring my phone from my unlocked car. She was able to find the car, which amazed me, because it has few identifying features. And she brought my phone to me.

I’d thought my husband would have some great idea, but no. He just advised me to come to the car, there weren’t many people around and I probably wouldn’t be seen. So it was kind of a wasted trip for the savior woman I never saw. My shoes squeaked on the tiled floor as I hurried, head down, out to the parking lot. I only encountered one person, and I just told myself that she had no reason to be looking at my legs, which were as blotched as a black and white cow.

My husband asked me, “how did you manage to get it on the front and  the back of your pants?”

“I don’t know. It just sort of exploded out.”

“Like a fire extinguisher.” We both laughed at that. By the way, you should feel free to laugh at this too, it would make me feel better. I’m one of those people who feels better admitting embarrassing things and laughing about them with others. I find secret embarrassments are somehow more embarrassing. Perhaps it’s just because my life has been mostly full of kind people…. That’s not to say that I would have wanted more witnesses! I just like to explain myself and feel understood.

I sat on his sweatshirt, to protect the car seat. We dropped off his paperwork and headed for home. And we almost got there, before he remembered that he had something else he needed to do in that other area–30 minutes away. He wouldn’t have forgotten, I’m certain, if I hadn’t distracted him with my urine. I didn’t have time to go home and shower because he had to do this thing by a certain time. I can’t even remember what it was…. Something to do with reading biometrics or some such. So, good little wifey that I am, I turned the car around, and took him back to the hospital. I waited in the car, but I have no idea how long. Time was really dragging at that point, making it even harder than usual for me to guess the minutes. Every second feels like a long time when you are a 25 year old worrying about getting diaper rash.

On the bright side, I have never enjoyed a shower more than I did that day.

I had a consolation bingefest, made of chocolate, chocolate, and even more chocolate, more than I even wanted to eat.

May Second: A Good Day

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It was a mayfair celebration, so of course there are flowers in my hair. Yeah, they’re real flowers

You will need a little bit of background at this point. I went to a tiny school called the East Bay Waldorf School from Kindergarten through high school. The high school part of the school failed after my class graduated, so it’s just pre-k through 8th now. I still love the school, and find ways to go back to visit when I can. In fact, I filmed it for a college project, which I hope I can eventually share with you. Right now I can’t, because it hasn’t been approved by EBWS for public viewing. The secretary of 16 years is graduating retiring this year, and specifically asked that I be brought in to sing at her retirement party. I love singing in public, so I was down. I don’t have a band though, so I had to use the instrumental tracks from an album I made in high school (that was with my friend Sara’s band, all seasoned professional jazz musicians). We had no way to feed the music through the PA speakers, so someone brought in a little bluetooth speaker, and we had to call it “good enough.” I sang three songs.

My husband couldn’t make it, so I had my mom film me for him. I thought I should share a video of one song with you lot, sort of my version of Rachael’s Off with the Cloak. I wouldn’t know what to say in a vlog, so I thought instead, I’d share something I’m considered good at. Again, you can’t hear the backing track that well, but I guess that’s not what you would be listening for anyway.

Anyway… No more stalling. Here it is

After the performance, when I was once again just a person in the crowd, I got a fair number of people thanking/congratulating me on my voice. I ate a lot of cupcakes, to celebrate.

May Third: A False Start

Not much to say about today. It was supposed to be my personal beginning of May, the May where I would be perfect all month long. But right at the end I ate too much naan.

May Fourth: A Fresh Start

….I hope. It’s only been 58 minutes so far.