Tag Archives: get running

Anxious, tied in knots

My dog has a very large tumor in her tummy. The vet thinks it could be a cyst or stage 4 cancer. If it’s cancer, they expect her to live only up to three months. If it’s a cyst, she might be ok for a while, but it could rupture any time and she would die of internal bleeding. For a couple days, she wouldn’t eat and barely moved. My heart is in knots.

My contract is up on the 15th, so I need to be looking for a job. That scares me very much, because I don’t know that I’m qualified to do anything. I look at myself and see only incompetence. Possibly it’s “imposter syndrome,” but it’s extremely real to me. My stomach is in knots.

Meantime, a tiny, two person start up that I did some visual work for back in the autumn has contacted me because they are in an accelerator program and need more work. My husband is convinced that this is my opportunity to get in on the ground floor of something that could be big. My parents think it’s an opportunity to never be paid and waste time that I could otherwise spend looking for a proper job. I think nothing. I have never felt less bold or decisive, and my entire life has been a litany of timidity and indecision. My mind is in knots.

The only things that seem to make me feel temporarily better is my facebook group and when I go out for my run/walks and can immerse myself in audiobooks, physical discomfort and beautiful nature. Today, I saw a hawk perch in a tree, take flight, and land–unexpectedly clumsily–on the other side of the path, then fly away on strong wings. I heard a chorus of frogs. I saw the Golden Gate bridge looking blue in the distance. I saw a man on a horse. I saw three orange and black butterflies spiraling up a sunbeam under the shady trees. Last week, I heard a pack of coyotes yelping and wailing, echoing across the hills.

I have been eating not quite so triumphantly well for the past 4 days. I don’t think I did terribly today, although I was sloppy with tracking so it’s hard to be certain. I’m so worried about my good dog. Sometimes, I just lay on the floor, staring at her, trying to be as close to her as possible, to appreciate her as much as I possibly can.

I just want everything to be ok again, to stop hurting. Eating doesn’t help, it just begets more and more eating, but it’s still my first thought when I feel this bad.


Post workout

January 7

I just finished day 2 on my “get running” app on a treadmill at planet fitness. I just want to write down how I’m feeling so I don’t forget how good it feels.

I feel warm. My legs feel especially warm, and they remember motion the same way my body used to remember the waves on the night after a day at the beach. My breath feels easy and clear. My heart feels alive. I feel fully awake for the first time today. My head feels a bit light, but not unpleasantly so.

Most of all, I feel content, again for the first time today. I feel “in the moment,” in my body, but not in the noisy gym where I’m waiting for my husband to finish up. I’m listening to my current favorite piece, (link here).

I’m beginning to feel the cold. It’s not unpleasant. It moves over me in chills, seemingly synced to the music.


January 8

I tried to do my another day of Get Running today, but I think I needed a break from it. I made it through 7 of the 8 one minute runs. Still felt good, just not as good as yesterday.

My goal is to love running. So many people do, including people who never thought they could. It seems at least possible that if I’m careful, patient and positive, I might cultivate a love of running too. Then I could run with my husband, and we would have something that we would enjoy doing together outside of the house.

Part of the reason why I think it’s possible to love running is because I’ve been listening to the Half Size Me podcast, and there are some stories of people who have lost impressive amounts of weight, and discovered that they love running. If they can do it, why shouldn’t I give it a shot?

That podcast (I may have mentioned it in 2014, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess no one remembers me doing so) is doing a lot to keep my spirits up. The host/creator/master mind behind it lost 170 lbs–and maintained the loss for 4 years this month–herself, and seems to have made it her mission to spread the gospel of possibilities. She does it through interviews with other awesome losers.

I love it because I need inspiration as much as anyone, but I find the motivational poster/quote with picture medium hard to swallow. If it has to be dressed up that much, how can I be sure it’s really deep and not just glamorous? But I find my own incidental inspirational quotes in the podcast, and I write them down if I can (often I’m driving).

Here are four of my favorites. Sadly, I don’t have any idea which episodes these come from, I’ve been binge listening (lol) for over a week.

I decide what happens to my body


How would I treat myself, how would I act, if I loved myself? What would I say when I talk to myself?


I choose to run happy!


You have to walk each step to be ready for the next one.

I could probably write a post about what each of these mean to me, and maybe I should, but for now I’ll let you make of them what you will.

In other news, I’m trying to be more positive…. actually, I guess the more positive way to say that is I have decided to BE more positive. There is no try, and all that. We’ll see.

It’s not easy, though I seem to have others fooled. I can still feel the darkness of how I am if I’m not careful, just under the surface of positive thoughts. But that’s ok, I just have to believe that the positive will seep through into the core of my being.


For long-term positivity and appreciation of all that is good in my life, I am stealing an idea that I read about a few days ago on the Damn girl, that’s a lot of fattitude blog. The good jar. In my case, it’s the good box, because I have a love of boxes that borders on the ridiculous, so I had a beautiful box I felt would be perfect. It’s also A great way to use the tiny pad of lovely peacock paper I got years ago. Nothing ever seemed right to write on it until now. It’s just a shame my handwriting is such garbage.

For the whole year, I will write down whenever something especially good happens to me. I want to fill it, so I am also including good decision. At the end of the year, I can look back on my year of goodness and be glad I kept track. The trick will be to not forget. I often forget things. I’ll keep it visible, even in the way, as much as possible.

In my last post I forgot to mention how I chose to mark the dawn of the new year.

Very literal. I watched the sun rise. It was lovely… a little cold. I noticed that the frost didn’t form until the sun was rising, and I wondered about that. If you know anything regarding frost, let me know. It’s hilly where I live, so it was light for a while before the sun managed to clear the hill.

That’s all for now, I think.


Losing it again!

So, I’m seeing progress on the scale, and it feels great! I’m super psyched to see this continue. I’m not like I was in October though. In October I was cocky, and mysteriously not obsessed with junk food. I distinctly remember thinking “I wish I had a craving right now, so that I could resist it.” That is amongst the dumbest wishes I’ve ever considered.

My weight since the first time I used lose it a few years ago. Notice how whenever I’m entering my weight (and logging, etc) the number goes consistently down, but the times when I don’t weigh myself often (and don’t use the app) my weight goes up. I especially appreciate the dotted line, showing me my expected future, if I stick with what I’m doing. Down, down, down we go! When it’s time to stop, I’m sure I’ll know!

No, this time I have cravings. And I try to accommodate them, in a healthful way. I crave chocolate, so I make a wonderful smoothie of frozen cherries, banana, soy milk and unsweetened cocoa powder. I’ve been missing salt, but haven’t come up with a workaround for that yet. I’ve been enjoying bell peppers and brussels sprouts and kale. I’m trying not to use the seasoned rice vinegar I love, because it has both sugar and salt, and that’s hard, because that stuff is killer on veggies. I use lemon juice, or unseasoned rice vinegar. I’m eating mostly fruits and veggies now. Probably I ought to try and have more vegetables and a little less fruit, but as long as this is working, I’m doing what makes me happy.

I’ve noticed that I eat best if I plan the day’s meals out the night before, even though I don’t really do any prep at that time. Just knowing what to go for stops me from munching on things while deciding what to eat. And even if I do munch, as long as I munch veggies, it’s no big deal. I’d burst before going over my calories with celery. I do have to be careful with dates and avocados. I dragged out my rice cooker for making quinoa and steaming veggies at the same time. So easy! Why did I never try that before? It makes me feel so efficient. I’m also in love with the little tubes of “fresh” herb paste. Easy peasy way to get garlic, basil, “italian herbs,” dill, lemon grass, etc. into a lazy-time meal. I made my own super creamy salad dressing out of avocado, onion, garlic, italian herbs and balsamic vinegar.

I tried beets. I’ve concluded that they are beautiful to look at, but not something I want in my mouth. I’m trying jicama. So far the verdict is iffy. The taste is fine, nice even, but the after-texture (is that a thing?) is kind of starchy, like eating a potato raw. Was I supposed to cook before eating?? I’m curious to see if I could cook eggplant, but I’ve heard that the texture can be pretty awful if it’s done wrong.

Any recommendations? What else should I try? I keep forgetting about various kinds of vegetables, so even if you think I’ve already tried it, tell me your favorite vegetable! I want to keep my menu fresh and exciting.

I’m also making progress in the gym. I can now say I’ve jogged on the treadmill for 9 minutes (and that time I only stopped at 9 because I had to pee really badly). For me, that feels huge. I need to be more organized on the weight machines though. And I haven’t even tried the free weights! Plus I need to start getting into that habit of stretching. 

My weight since march 3rd. I’ve lost 5.8 pounds, mostly in the last week or two.
Rice cooker and steamer. I can get used to this.

New Year, Same Goals

Happy New Year everyone!

I’m keeping my goals from October, only redoubling my efforts in light of the new year. IMG_4408I was very slack in November, and outright counter-productive in the last week of December. To be fair, my birthday is the day before Christmas, so those two days it made sense to be off. What was a less good idea was continuing to gorge myself for the rest of 2014. I ate so much I felt I could hear the stretch marks forming. I’m back up to 256 lbs, 8 pounds up from where I was at the beginning of November. C’est la vie. No point in dwelling on it.

What I need to do is re-establish the aversion I had to going off plan. When you first start a diet Lifestyle change. you really feel bad about the idea of straying. Once you make your first big mistake though, suddenly it seems like a less big deal and you are more likely to keep slipping up. There is a two-word phrase that sums that up perfectly, but I can’t remember it. I can’t even figure out how to google for it. I saw it on someone’s blog, but I can’t remember which blog it was, let alone what post it was. I knew I would want to remember it, but didn’t take the necessary steps. Please, if anyone knows what I’m talking about, and/or can figure it out, please please comment. I need that phrase in my life. I want to name the problem superstitiously because I believe that once it’s well defined, it will be easier to avoid.

My biggest problem is when I don’t know what to eat. So I think what I have to do is start pre-planning, and attempting to pre-prepare my meals. I know that seems obvious to some, but I’ve really struggled with it. The reason I haven’t been able to manage it is because I tend to eat everything I make pretty quickly (especially with the help of my husband), and I’m terrible at knowing how much food I need to make. I go from thinking “this is an absurd amount of food” to “where did it all go?” Also, the fridge is a mess and packed full. I may have to deal with that before I can store any food.

I also want to start planning my life better, wasting less time. I want to seriously take up art again, because if I hadn’t given up as a teen, I would be pretty good by now.  Likewise, I want to either start again with violin, or try to learn some piano, or guitar. Obviously, I want need to go to the gym more often, and want to take up running with my hubby. We’ve been trying to do our running concurrently and around the same field, but he keeps trying to push me to do more than I’m comfortable with and more than my app tells me to do. I find this encouragement very frustrating. I know that I don’t want to push myself to the point where I give up. I want to succeed at small things and progress slowly, not keep trying to do more and more until I fail and get disheartened. I wish he could respect that a bit more, but he’s very enthusiastic.

So I’ve got a planner, and each day I will plan the next day such that I work towards my goals.

Running Shoes!

We went shoe shopping today. My mother agreed to get me running shoes for my birthday/christmas (my birthday is the 24th, so the presents aren’t always clearly delineated in my mind). My husband came along because he is good and kind.. Or possibly it was because he wanted to get socks. We went to Sports Authority.

Oh my goodness, there were so many shoes!

We found a sales associate, and I announced my intentions:

“I want to take up running. I need motion control running shoes because I overpronate.” Unspoken: find me miracle shoes. I need to feel as though the earth is a marshmallow under my feet. I need to feel as though my ankles couldn’t buckle if I tried. I need the stability of skyscraper foundations every time I set my foot on the ground. Make it so. Fix me.

And just like that, the shopping began! He brought in some arch supports, because my overpronation hasn’t killed my high arches, yet, And I started trying on shoes. It came down to two pairs, some electric blue asics, and some black and green shoes, the maker of which I have forgotten. My husband has asics and loves them, but the black and green ones were more strongly recommended by the sales guy.  I loved the asics while I was wearing them, and they were an attractive color, but once I got used to the snugger fit of the green and blacks, the sapphire shoes suddenly felt too loose. I fear wobbling. I don’t want to be able to blame my shoes if I run poorly. I picked the green and blacks. I want to run on my treadmill and see if I love them as much as I think I do. I will report back after.




They were Great! They had their Maiden Voyage on the treadmill and it was lovely. I am calling them the Happy Shoes, because of how excited I was to try running in them. I think I made the right call. My feet did fall asleep, but I think that has little to do with the shoes, it’s just something that happens to me. I watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine and did the last day of week one on Get Running. I breezed through it (it’s true, what my husband tells me, that running on a treadmill is less challenging than running outdoors. I will try to repeat the experiment outside tomorrow, or possibly I’ll just walk. I haven’t decided).

Get running!

My husband is from Kenya. He’s not from the tribe that wins all the endurance races (he’s from Obama’s daddy’s tribe), but running seems to be something of a national pastime, or it is at least among the local expats. Anyway. He loves running. Right now he is very busy with school, so he hasn’t had a good run in many months…. Which means he’s probably lost some ground.

I’ve taken up attempting to run, starting Tuesday. My hope is that by the time he has time to seriously run again, I’ll be good enough to run along behind him without looking too pathetic. Maybe even run alongside him sometimes, although his aggressive encouragement might break me down. He has a hard time with words like “can’t.” Or maybe, by then, I’ll love to push myself, hard as that is to imagine.

So I have an app called “get running” that basically breaks the task of trying to start running down into more manageable pieces. Week 1 of get running is 8 one-minute runs, with a minute and a half of walking between each, plus warm up and cool down (more walking). On Tuesday, I couldn’t quite manage it. Yet.


Wednesday was awful, I was basically driving back and forth for the whole day, and for some reason lately driving has really been hurting my right leg. That is getting old real quick. I think my ankles are just stupid because of “over pronation.” Basically, when I step, instead of landing nicely, my ankle flops around like Raggedy Ann and I end up putting all my weight on the inside of my foot. If you do this, the soles of your shoes will wear down under the arches faster than the outside. I’m becoming ever more paranoid about my feet and ankles, so you might think this worry is hypochondria, but I know the over pronation thing is true because an expert said so some years back.

My husband tells me that I walk like a duck. After seeing my reaction to this, he tried to soften the blow with “I didn’t mean it in a bad way. Ducks are beautiful.” Nice save, darling. After that I was giggling to much to be sad about being told that I waddle like a duck.

Yesterday (Saturday) I completed all eight of the one minute runs prescribed by my “Get Running” app. I had to break it up a little, add in some extra walking and some time to sit and do ankle circles. I still feel I triumphed.IMG_3631 IMG_3630







The park I have chosen is a couple miles from home, so my husband decided to run to the park and meet me, which was nice. As predicted, he did try to convince me to do more than I felt I could, but I explained that I will build up over time. There is no need to make it hellish for myself. The app agrees with me. He watched my final minute run and pointed out that I’m doing something weird with my right leg/foot. Not surprising, since that’s the side that’s hurting. I wish I knew how to fix it.

I weighed myself this morning! 15 pounds down! It’s time for another treat… Still deciding. Thinking of going for beads…

Note the “days to goal” I love that feature, even though I know it can’t really tell the future. It gives me a sense of the struggle being finite.


In other news, Today I’m also starting the “21 day fix.” I was inspired to try this because it seems like I’ve seen a bunch of other bloggers happy with it. Hehe, I’m a blogger now. I don’t remember exactly who I saw talking about it, and it’s possible that it was always mentioned on the same blog, but if that was you, thanks. This looks very good to me. It seems like there is a lot of wisdom to glean here in the blogosphere, and reading other blogs has helped me immensely. So thank you all