Tag Archives: healthy

No Goals* this Year

Well, no goals that are married to targets, but lots and lots of process/habit goals. I’m over goal setting right now. It hasn’t worked for me, so I’m just going to try and do healthy things and reap the rewards when they happen to happen.

I’m employed now, so that’s cool. It’s nice to have money and goals and sort of a schedule. And really good free lunches. Is that a good thing? I’m still not sure, because on one hand FREE, on the other, OUT OF MY CONTROL But along with the rotating main dishes which could be anything, there’s always a salad bar, soup and some cold cuts on the sandwich table. So, if the main dishes are not on plan, I can cobble something together.

I recently reached my highest weight ever, 300 lbs. I’ve since lost a few pounds. My strategy has been really simple and disconcertingly easy: instead of “I can’t,” I tell myself “I don’t,”  and I focus on eating for mental clarity, energy and reduced hunger. This has worked well. I went from 10 mochas a day (when at work, where mochas come free out of a machine) to 0 overnight and without stressing. After Christmas, I cut out all processed carbs and sugar…. except for one meal, where I couldn’t think of anything healthy to eat and decided to eat a large plateful  of Christmas cookies and fudge and candied nuts. This proved to be very educational. The next day I was noticeably starving. After just a few days of eating clean, I had become used to not being starving. I finally had personal proof that what everyone says about simple cards is true for me too. I mean, I always believed it, but I also believed that I’m just a grumpy, sleepy, sad person regardless of what I eat.

I’m also trying to incorporate more movement into my days. I’ve already started a program I call PomPomPlank, where I do two Pomodoros and then I give myself a longer break during which I try and move. It’s a little different depending on where I am. If I’m at work, I walk up 3 flights of stairs and go to the “Wellness Room” (a little room with a lock for nursing mothers or naps I guess). Once there I do two minutes of stretching, one minute of trying to do a plank (40 seconds is my record, but I realized my form might have been off). Then I am supposed to meditate for one minute, but I don’t know how successful that has been. The whole routine takes about 15 minutes, including the time it takes to get back to my desk.

I hurt my back this week, and while I was recuperating, I became obsessed with the idea of learning to dance. A few days before my back spasm, I had the realization that I could use the speed adjustment on youtube to make dance tutorials more “my speed.” I tried it out and loved it, although it’s still hard. At least with this innovation, dancing seems possible. I’m even thinking that I’ll use short dance step instructional videos in my PomPomPlank long break routines, like maybe a couple minutes of body rolls instead of stretching sometimes. I usually wear sneakers, leggings and a dress at work because none of my pants fit and I only have one pair of shoes that is supportive enough to, well, support my new efforts to walk properly. My point is, I’ll be in the right shoes.

My goal with dance is to find dances that I personally think look better on big girls. I tried googling for that, but it seems no one in the whole wide web thinks that’s a thing. Fuck them all. I think that jiggling fat can be a great way to accentuate certain moves (I mean, twerking obviously, chest popping or whatever it’s called, shimmies, that sort of thing).

My body-positive stance on dance relates to another habit I’m trying to nurture: self acceptance love. It’s hard even to write it down, it feels so wrong. Anyway, I’m perfectly capable of seeing another fat chick dance and being impressed at her sex appeal, so I want that for me.

I want self love to be a strong habit well before I lose the weight because I want to know my love is real (not conditional on my body looking a certain way) and because I think it will help me lose the weight. I mean, you’re not going to casually hurt/kill someone you love, so when I’m on top of my self love game I’m more motivated to do right by me. those of you who are keen readers of grammatical cues might have noticed: I have sometimes been on top of myself love game. That’s something I can sometimes pull off now. Not 100% of the time. If I’m even slightly sleep deprived I hate on everything and everyone, myself included.

One of my proud, self lovey moments actually happened at a plastic surgeons office. I was someone’s ride home. I looked through the before-and-after books on the table, pages and pages of breasts and noses, and realized I’m ok. I’m actually ok with how I look. I think I would even be ok with being fat if it didn’t represent so many health problems for me. So I took self-love celebratory selfies in the surgeons office, and you know what? I look great.

One more thing: there is a woman named Summer. She has lost, I think, over 200 lbs. I find the content she produces comforting and inspiring and she has a good heart. Therefore, as one of my non-food rewards to myself, I’m going to semi regularly (that is once a month unless I’ve already exceeded my budget) give to her goFundMe campaign, so that she can finally be rid of her excess skin. I could give her $100 all at once and then forget about it, but this is better. The way I see it, I used to spend that much money on binge food very regularly, so if I was comfortable wasting money on that, I have no right not to invest in this. I’m inviting anyone who is interested to join me in giving regularly. We could be a sort of support group for each other, if you reach out to me. Just the amount you would once have wasted destroying your health. If all her fans did that, she would meet her goal so quick! Here’s her blog and here’s her YouTube.

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While the Cat is Away…

…The mouse will try super hard to make progress to impress the cat when he returns!

Sad news everyone: people die. I’ve gone a long time without having to really think about that, except for when a beloved pet would pass, and honestly I’m still not really thinking about it because it freaks me out and there is no comfort. But I ought to be thinking about it. For one thing, a gentle, poetic fellow I slightly knew has been murdered senselessly on the street, and for another, my husband’s grandfather appears to be on the brink. I feel like a cold bitch because I’m not as upset about either thing as I feel I should be. It all feels far away and incomprehensible. I’m worried about my husband and how he feels, but I don’t seem to emotionally understand that I’ve lost the chance to meet one of the people who raised him and cared for him and who is important to him. I feel I should be more affected.

But since I’m not, I won’t bother you with it. What you do need to know is that my husband left for Kenya today, to be with his family. He has a one way ticket. He will be coming back, but we have no idea when. I’d hazard a guess that he won’t come back in less than a month, which means…

…I have some time to be a surprise when he gets back! I think I might be able to make a visible difference in my body in that time, what do you think? I’m going to try. He’s observant, so if I manage it, I think he will notice. It’s an idea I came up with when I was wondering how best to support my husband in this difficult time. I decided that what I can do is make his return to the states, whenever it happens, as joyful as possible by developing good habits while he’s away. I also want to study a little Swahili.

A before pic of the body in the room

So now I’m going to set some goals.

  1. Lose 2 lbs a week. In a month I should be at 243 lbs
  2. Be consistent going to Bikram every weekday morning
  3. Go to the gym or personal training 5 times a week (because of the bet) and lift heavier weights by the end of the month
  4. Learn how to keep our room clean and organized. He’s a tidy sort, but somehow my disorderly nature wins when it comes to how the room looks
  5. Practice Swahili flashcards every day
  6. Maybe learn to do something pretty with my hair?

If he’s gone more than a month, I’ll miss him for longer, but I’ll be glad of the chance to make even more difference. I know it’s not healthy, but sometimes I feel like I’m not a good enough wife. Well, if that’s really how I feel, this is a chance to do something about it!

What would you do if you had a month to set up a surprise for someone you love/want to impress?