Tag Archives: weight loss journey

No Goals* this Year

Well, no goals that are married to targets, but lots and lots of process/habit goals. I’m over goal setting right now. It hasn’t worked for me, so I’m just going to try and do healthy things and reap the rewards when they happen to happen.

I’m employed now, so that’s cool. It’s nice to have money and goals and sort of a schedule. And really good free lunches. Is that a good thing? I’m still not sure, because on one hand FREE, on the other, OUT OF MY CONTROL But along with the rotating main dishes which could be anything, there’s always a salad bar, soup and some cold cuts on the sandwich table. So, if the main dishes are not on plan, I can cobble something together.

I recently reached my highest weight ever, 300 lbs. I’ve since lost a few pounds. My strategy has been really simple and disconcertingly easy: instead of “I can’t,” I tell myself “I don’t,”  and I focus on eating for mental clarity, energy and reduced hunger. This has worked well. I went from 10 mochas a day (when at work, where mochas come free out of a machine) to 0 overnight and without stressing. After Christmas, I cut out all processed carbs and sugar…. except for one meal, where I couldn’t think of anything healthy to eat and decided to eat a large plateful  of Christmas cookies and fudge and candied nuts. This proved to be very educational. The next day I was noticeably starving. After just a few days of eating clean, I had become used to not being starving. I finally had personal proof that what everyone says about simple cards is true for me too. I mean, I always believed it, but I also believed that I’m just a grumpy, sleepy, sad person regardless of what I eat.

I’m also trying to incorporate more movement into my days. I’ve already started a program I call PomPomPlank, where I do two Pomodoros and then I give myself a longer break during which I try and move. It’s a little different depending on where I am. If I’m at work, I walk up 3 flights of stairs and go to the “Wellness Room” (a little room with a lock for nursing mothers or naps I guess). Once there I do two minutes of stretching, one minute of trying to do a plank (40 seconds is my record, but I realized my form might have been off). Then I am supposed to meditate for one minute, but I don’t know how successful that has been. The whole routine takes about 15 minutes, including the time it takes to get back to my desk.

I hurt my back this week, and while I was recuperating, I became obsessed with the idea of learning to dance. A few days before my back spasm, I had the realization that I could use the speed adjustment on youtube to make dance tutorials more “my speed.” I tried it out and loved it, although it’s still hard. At least with this innovation, dancing seems possible. I’m even thinking that I’ll use short dance step instructional videos in my PomPomPlank long break routines, like maybe a couple minutes of body rolls instead of stretching sometimes. I usually wear sneakers, leggings and a dress at work because none of my pants fit and I only have one pair of shoes that is supportive enough to, well, support my new efforts to walk properly. My point is, I’ll be in the right shoes.

My goal with dance is to find dances that I personally think look better on big girls. I tried googling for that, but it seems no one in the whole wide web thinks that’s a thing. Fuck them all. I think that jiggling fat can be a great way to accentuate certain moves (I mean, twerking obviously, chest popping or whatever it’s called, shimmies, that sort of thing).

My body-positive stance on dance relates to another habit I’m trying to nurture: self acceptance love. It’s hard even to write it down, it feels so wrong. Anyway, I’m perfectly capable of seeing another fat chick dance and being impressed at her sex appeal, so I want that for me.

I want self love to be a strong habit well before I lose the weight because I want to know my love is real (not conditional on my body looking a certain way) and because I think it will help me lose the weight. I mean, you’re not going to casually hurt/kill someone you love, so when I’m on top of my self love game I’m more motivated to do right by me. those of you who are keen readers of grammatical cues might have noticed: I have sometimes been on top of myself love game. That’s something I can sometimes pull off now. Not 100% of the time. If I’m even slightly sleep deprived I hate on everything and everyone, myself included.

One of my proud, self lovey moments actually happened at a plastic surgeons office. I was someone’s ride home. I looked through the before-and-after books on the table, pages and pages of breasts and noses, and realized I’m ok. I’m actually ok with how I look. I think I would even be ok with being fat if it didn’t represent so many health problems for me. So I took self-love celebratory selfies in the surgeons office, and you know what? I look great.

One more thing: there is a woman named Summer. She has lost, I think, over 200 lbs. I find the content she produces comforting and inspiring and she has a good heart. Therefore, as one of my non-food rewards to myself, I’m going to semi regularly (that is once a month unless I’ve already exceeded my budget) give to her goFundMe campaign, so that she can finally be rid of her excess skin. I could give her $100 all at once and then forget about it, but this is better. The way I see it, I used to spend that much money on binge food very regularly, so if I was comfortable wasting money on that, I have no right not to invest in this. I’m inviting anyone who is interested to join me in giving regularly. We could be a sort of support group for each other, if you reach out to me. Just the amount you would once have wasted destroying your health. If all her fans did that, she would meet her goal so quick! Here’s her blog and here’s her YouTube.


I Love Ya, Tomorrow

So, #operationVisibleDifference is in full effect. I can’t remember if I explained it already, so I’ll just expain now. My hubby is away, so while he’s gone I want to make a visible difference in my body composition to surprise him. I mentioned this plan in a Facebook group and someone put the number sign in front of it, and that looked right to me, so that’s how I’ll write it from now on. Not being a tweeter (Twitterer? Twit? Twat?), I don’t really understand hashtags. Is there already a tag of #operationVisibleDifference? If there is, is that a problem? 

So the operation is in effect, I’ve had a couple days going to bikram and doing a regular workout every day, and now 3 days of rest (although I probably shouldn’t have taken today off). I lost 3 pounds in 3 days. I ate a little recklessly yesterday, but I don’t think I actually did any damage. I went on an 8 mile hike the day before. I feel really good about this whole idea. It feels good to have a goal and to work towards it. 

Unfortunately, I have not been as proactive about my JavaScript study and job search. But that ends now. And by “now” I mean “tomorrow.” I’ve drawn up a schedule for myself, or more precisely, a list of things to do in order. 

For those who can’t read my handwriting (can I have a show of hands for those who can read it? No one? Oh, ok then), that list is:




Bird –15 min (I’m trying to get my parakeet to like me. Have any tips? I don’t know what I’m doing)

Shower (damn right I have to schedule that in, otherwise I’ll just be gross all day)

Job search

Anki –1 hr (that’s a flash card program, free for desktop, that I recommend)


Room cleaning –1 hr (a sort of side project included in #operationVisibleDifference, because I know he’ll like to see the room looking nice)

Bird –15 min

Headfirst JavaScript (a book I’m working through) –1 hr

Swahili flash cards (also to impress my husband, who is a native speaker) 

Headfirst –1 hr

Movement (a few body weight squats or whatever, I haven’t picked yet, I just want get blood moving again so I don’t fall asleep)

Headfirst –1 hr 

…And repeat the last two until it’s dinner time.

This will be hard for me, as I am very lazy. I will want to stop and sleep for hours. Often I’m too tired after my workouts, such that even taking a shower seems insurmountably daunting. But that shit ain’t gonna fly no more. I’m becoming a new person. I kind of need your help though, because if I don’t put this out on my blog, I will lose steam and stop trying, take a nap. I need to imagine that there is someone out there who has read this and who is really hoping I pull through tomorrow, that I executed my plan flawlessly and who will be disappoint if I fail. Then once I’ve done it with your help, proving I can do it, maybe I can eventually do it alone.

In other news, I took a before pic! 

A bit sunburnt from my 8 mile hike.

And here is one compared to a month ago. Although my weight is technically higher in the photo on the right, I think I actually look visibly better.

And, because those are so ugly, here are some pictures I feel good about

A million things I haven’t done

Hello, again. It’s been too long, again.

Last post, I was trying to start a meetup. There wasn’t good attendance for the first two meetups, and that discouraged me from scheduling another one. But just now, between writing “It’s been too long, again” and “last post…”, I decided, what the f, just try again and scheduled a repeating meetup every Saturday at 9 am. Wish me better success this time! I’m hoping that every week will pick up more people. I’m super nervous, tbh.

My dog, Hobbit, died, but I don’t want to talk about that. My parents already got a new dog, which took some getting used to.

I’ve been really struggling to maintain motivation. I have very little trouble getting motivated, but it doesn’t seem to last the full day, so that’s minimally useful.

I took the leap of buying my friend a bikram pass so that I have someone to go with, so that I actually go. I figure it’s better to pay double but get the benefits than it would be to pay the normal price and get nothing because I lack motivation. This friend is good at getting going, unlike me, so it is a lot easier to just tag along with her than to get myself moving all alone.

In other news, the Warriors lost and my husband and I had a bet going. Had they won, he would have had to listen to the whole Hamilton soundtrack with me. But they lost, so now I have to go to the gym 5 times a week for a year, starting tomorrow. Can you tell he drives a harder bargain than I do? Sigh. I think I’ll try the workouts recommended in the book Strong. I made tables in word with the first set of workouts, here’s what that looks like.Screen Shot 2016-06-26 at 11.21.56 AM

Maybe that’s all I have to say today, but I’m going to commit right now to posting again on… Tuesday. Why not? See you then!


Anxious, tied in knots

My dog has a very large tumor in her tummy. The vet thinks it could be a cyst or stage 4 cancer. If it’s cancer, they expect her to live only up to three months. If it’s a cyst, she might be ok for a while, but it could rupture any time and she would die of internal bleeding. For a couple days, she wouldn’t eat and barely moved. My heart is in knots.

My contract is up on the 15th, so I need to be looking for a job. That scares me very much, because I don’t know that I’m qualified to do anything. I look at myself and see only incompetence. Possibly it’s “imposter syndrome,” but it’s extremely real to me. My stomach is in knots.

Meantime, a tiny, two person start up that I did some visual work for back in the autumn has contacted me because they are in an accelerator program and need more work. My husband is convinced that this is my opportunity to get in on the ground floor of something that could be big. My parents think it’s an opportunity to never be paid and waste time that I could otherwise spend looking for a proper job. I think nothing. I have never felt less bold or decisive, and my entire life has been a litany of timidity and indecision. My mind is in knots.

The only things that seem to make me feel temporarily better is my facebook group and when I go out for my run/walks and can immerse myself in audiobooks, physical discomfort and beautiful nature. Today, I saw a hawk perch in a tree, take flight, and land–unexpectedly clumsily–on the other side of the path, then fly away on strong wings. I heard a chorus of frogs. I saw the Golden Gate bridge looking blue in the distance. I saw a man on a horse. I saw three orange and black butterflies spiraling up a sunbeam under the shady trees. Last week, I heard a pack of coyotes yelping and wailing, echoing across the hills.

I have been eating not quite so triumphantly well for the past 4 days. I don’t think I did terribly today, although I was sloppy with tracking so it’s hard to be certain. I’m so worried about my good dog. Sometimes, I just lay on the floor, staring at her, trying to be as close to her as possible, to appreciate her as much as I possibly can.

I just want everything to be ok again, to stop hurting. Eating doesn’t help, it just begets more and more eating, but it’s still my first thought when I feel this bad.


Post workout

January 7

I just finished day 2 on my “get running” app on a treadmill at planet fitness. I just want to write down how I’m feeling so I don’t forget how good it feels.

I feel warm. My legs feel especially warm, and they remember motion the same way my body used to remember the waves on the night after a day at the beach. My breath feels easy and clear. My heart feels alive. I feel fully awake for the first time today. My head feels a bit light, but not unpleasantly so.

Most of all, I feel content, again for the first time today. I feel “in the moment,” in my body, but not in the noisy gym where I’m waiting for my husband to finish up. I’m listening to my current favorite piece, (link here).

I’m beginning to feel the cold. It’s not unpleasant. It moves over me in chills, seemingly synced to the music.


January 8

I tried to do my another day of Get Running today, but I think I needed a break from it. I made it through 7 of the 8 one minute runs. Still felt good, just not as good as yesterday.

My goal is to love running. So many people do, including people who never thought they could. It seems at least possible that if I’m careful, patient and positive, I might cultivate a love of running too. Then I could run with my husband, and we would have something that we would enjoy doing together outside of the house.

Part of the reason why I think it’s possible to love running is because I’ve been listening to the Half Size Me podcast, and there are some stories of people who have lost impressive amounts of weight, and discovered that they love running. If they can do it, why shouldn’t I give it a shot?

That podcast (I may have mentioned it in 2014, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess no one remembers me doing so) is doing a lot to keep my spirits up. The host/creator/master mind behind it lost 170 lbs–and maintained the loss for 4 years this month–herself, and seems to have made it her mission to spread the gospel of possibilities. She does it through interviews with other awesome losers.

I love it because I need inspiration as much as anyone, but I find the motivational poster/quote with picture medium hard to swallow. If it has to be dressed up that much, how can I be sure it’s really deep and not just glamorous? But I find my own incidental inspirational quotes in the podcast, and I write them down if I can (often I’m driving).

Here are four of my favorites. Sadly, I don’t have any idea which episodes these come from, I’ve been binge listening (lol) for over a week.

I decide what happens to my body


How would I treat myself, how would I act, if I loved myself? What would I say when I talk to myself?


I choose to run happy!


You have to walk each step to be ready for the next one.

I could probably write a post about what each of these mean to me, and maybe I should, but for now I’ll let you make of them what you will.

In other news, I’m trying to be more positive…. actually, I guess the more positive way to say that is I have decided to BE more positive. There is no try, and all that. We’ll see.

It’s not easy, though I seem to have others fooled. I can still feel the darkness of how I am if I’m not careful, just under the surface of positive thoughts. But that’s ok, I just have to believe that the positive will seep through into the core of my being.


For long-term positivity and appreciation of all that is good in my life, I am stealing an idea that I read about a few days ago on the Damn girl, that’s a lot of fattitude blog. The good jar. In my case, it’s the good box, because I have a love of boxes that borders on the ridiculous, so I had a beautiful box I felt would be perfect. It’s also A great way to use the tiny pad of lovely peacock paper I got years ago. Nothing ever seemed right to write on it until now. It’s just a shame my handwriting is such garbage.

For the whole year, I will write down whenever something especially good happens to me. I want to fill it, so I am also including good decision. At the end of the year, I can look back on my year of goodness and be glad I kept track. The trick will be to not forget. I often forget things. I’ll keep it visible, even in the way, as much as possible.

In my last post I forgot to mention how I chose to mark the dawn of the new year.

Very literal. I watched the sun rise. It was lovely… a little cold. I noticed that the frost didn’t form until the sun was rising, and I wondered about that. If you know anything regarding frost, let me know. It’s hilly where I live, so it was light for a while before the sun managed to clear the hill.

That’s all for now, I think.



Not a New Years Resolution

I determined I would not have a New Years Resolution. I would not start my new life on the first day of the new year. I would not.

No, I would jump the gun. I have seen my mother get excited, year after year, about her resolution, only to let them slip. I have become superstitious. My resolution has nothing to do with the New Year. My resolution is about life, not about timekeeping.


Really though, it is about life, my life and the lives of my as yet unconceived children, our shared health and the quality of my life with my husband.

So I started a few days early, a bumpy start, but solid enough as a place to start. I’m trying to come in under calorie budget as much as I can, within reason, and get exercise regularly. I have been scheduling my days, starting at 5 am (though I haven’t managed that wake up in a week or so) for a while now, and it seems to make everything easier. I put everything into the calendar on my phone, and then it gives me reminders on my apple watch, and that way I can stay on track. Sort of. Driving my husband around at unpredictable hours sort of has ripple effects throughout the day.

IMG_7244Today, I’m somehow 600 calories under budget, despite chocolates and coffee with half a cup of irish cream creamer. I did accidentally skip breakfast, so perhaps that helped me stay under. I also went to personal training this morning. So. Many. Squats. Sumo squats, jump squats, etc. ad nauseam. But I love finishing and knowing my exercise is done for the day, that I’ve accomplished that much before 10 am. It feels good (afterwards).

Those of you who read my last post may be wondering about the bird situation. No, my old bird has not returned. But I’m slowly making progress with Raindrop. I can put my hand in her (I don’t actually know the sex, but it’s easier this way) cage and she doesn’t freak out unless I get too close or move too much. She will eat spray millet tied to a stick that I hold. She chirps at me and fluffs her feathers. I say her name when she looks at me so that the sound of her name and of my voice become familiar. She has such big black eyes, so much more innocent than the golden eyes of Jasmine.

Some of the feathers on her back are slightly yellow. Sadly, when I first saw that I thought it was some kind of stain, but one of the feathers was laying on the table the next day, and I realized that she has yellow and grey stripped feathers. It reminds me of a pale sun breaking out of the clouds. Like a real raindrop, Raindrop holds many colors if you look closely.

Kale is becoming a staple food again. I can eat a whole bag of kale on my own, cooked with onion and dressed with soy sauce. I’ve discovered that a large amount of whipped cream is not very high in calories, and is delicious on raspberries, so that has become something of a staple treat, if that makes sense. Sometimes I go overboard and eat too much whipped cream, but it’s so much air that it’s not easy to really do a huge amount of damage like it would be with, say, chocolates, or all of the other things I might reach for.

I seem to have run out of things to say for tonight, so here are my favorite christmas tree ornaments


New Year, Same Goals

Happy New Year everyone!

I’m keeping my goals from October, only redoubling my efforts in light of the new year. IMG_4408I was very slack in November, and outright counter-productive in the last week of December. To be fair, my birthday is the day before Christmas, so those two days it made sense to be off. What was a less good idea was continuing to gorge myself for the rest of 2014. I ate so much I felt I could hear the stretch marks forming. I’m back up to 256 lbs, 8 pounds up from where I was at the beginning of November. C’est la vie. No point in dwelling on it.

What I need to do is re-establish the aversion I had to going off plan. When you first start a diet Lifestyle change. you really feel bad about the idea of straying. Once you make your first big mistake though, suddenly it seems like a less big deal and you are more likely to keep slipping up. There is a two-word phrase that sums that up perfectly, but I can’t remember it. I can’t even figure out how to google for it. I saw it on someone’s blog, but I can’t remember which blog it was, let alone what post it was. I knew I would want to remember it, but didn’t take the necessary steps. Please, if anyone knows what I’m talking about, and/or can figure it out, please please comment. I need that phrase in my life. I want to name the problem superstitiously because I believe that once it’s well defined, it will be easier to avoid.

My biggest problem is when I don’t know what to eat. So I think what I have to do is start pre-planning, and attempting to pre-prepare my meals. I know that seems obvious to some, but I’ve really struggled with it. The reason I haven’t been able to manage it is because I tend to eat everything I make pretty quickly (especially with the help of my husband), and I’m terrible at knowing how much food I need to make. I go from thinking “this is an absurd amount of food” to “where did it all go?” Also, the fridge is a mess and packed full. I may have to deal with that before I can store any food.

I also want to start planning my life better, wasting less time. I want to seriously take up art again, because if I hadn’t given up as a teen, I would be pretty good by now.  Likewise, I want to either start again with violin, or try to learn some piano, or guitar. Obviously, I want need to go to the gym more often, and want to take up running with my hubby. We’ve been trying to do our running concurrently and around the same field, but he keeps trying to push me to do more than I’m comfortable with and more than my app tells me to do. I find this encouragement very frustrating. I know that I don’t want to push myself to the point where I give up. I want to succeed at small things and progress slowly, not keep trying to do more and more until I fail and get disheartened. I wish he could respect that a bit more, but he’s very enthusiastic.

So I’ve got a planner, and each day I will plan the next day such that I work towards my goals.


Get running!

My husband is from Kenya. He’s not from the tribe that wins all the endurance races (he’s from Obama’s daddy’s tribe), but running seems to be something of a national pastime, or it is at least among the local expats. Anyway. He loves running. Right now he is very busy with school, so he hasn’t had a good run in many months…. Which means he’s probably lost some ground.

I’ve taken up attempting to run, starting Tuesday. My hope is that by the time he has time to seriously run again, I’ll be good enough to run along behind him without looking too pathetic. Maybe even run alongside him sometimes, although his aggressive encouragement might break me down. He has a hard time with words like “can’t.” Or maybe, by then, I’ll love to push myself, hard as that is to imagine.

So I have an app called “get running” that basically breaks the task of trying to start running down into more manageable pieces. Week 1 of get running is 8 one-minute runs, with a minute and a half of walking between each, plus warm up and cool down (more walking). On Tuesday, I couldn’t quite manage it. Yet.


Wednesday was awful, I was basically driving back and forth for the whole day, and for some reason lately driving has really been hurting my right leg. That is getting old real quick. I think my ankles are just stupid because of “over pronation.” Basically, when I step, instead of landing nicely, my ankle flops around like Raggedy Ann and I end up putting all my weight on the inside of my foot. If you do this, the soles of your shoes will wear down under the arches faster than the outside. I’m becoming ever more paranoid about my feet and ankles, so you might think this worry is hypochondria, but I know the over pronation thing is true because an expert said so some years back.

My husband tells me that I walk like a duck. After seeing my reaction to this, he tried to soften the blow with “I didn’t mean it in a bad way. Ducks are beautiful.” Nice save, darling. After that I was giggling to much to be sad about being told that I waddle like a duck.

Yesterday (Saturday) I completed all eight of the one minute runs prescribed by my “Get Running” app. I had to break it up a little, add in some extra walking and some time to sit and do ankle circles. I still feel I triumphed.IMG_3631 IMG_3630







The park I have chosen is a couple miles from home, so my husband decided to run to the park and meet me, which was nice. As predicted, he did try to convince me to do more than I felt I could, but I explained that I will build up over time. There is no need to make it hellish for myself. The app agrees with me. He watched my final minute run and pointed out that I’m doing something weird with my right leg/foot. Not surprising, since that’s the side that’s hurting. I wish I knew how to fix it.

I weighed myself this morning! 15 pounds down! It’s time for another treat… Still deciding. Thinking of going for beads…

Note the “days to goal” I love that feature, even though I know it can’t really tell the future. It gives me a sense of the struggle being finite.


In other news, Today I’m also starting the “21 day fix.” I was inspired to try this because it seems like I’ve seen a bunch of other bloggers happy with it. Hehe, I’m a blogger now. I don’t remember exactly who I saw talking about it, and it’s possible that it was always mentioned on the same blog, but if that was you, thanks. This looks very good to me. It seems like there is a lot of wisdom to glean here in the blogosphere, and reading other blogs has helped me immensely. So thank you all


Workouts for me

I’m not inherently good at pushing myself. Shocking, I know. I’m not quite like my husband in that way (or any way at all, we are the archetypal opposites that attract). While he can just see a thing that needs doing and do it without complaint, I struggle mulishly against my own better judgement, and finally give up much of the time. I am changing though, because I’ve married a good influence. Not that I’m doing this for him or at his request, but simply seeing how good and strong he is makes me want to try a bit harder. I’m so glad to have him.

Anyhow, I really have to try hard to think of ways to get myself to keep trying. So as of Thursday, I’ve begun the 30 Day Plank challenge.

This one

I’ve also coerced my gym buddy into the challenge. And by “coerce” I mean “meekly suggested.” She was enthusiastic. We will also do Crunch challenge in November, and an arms challenge in December. I will, of course, be making things which I can color in to keep track of my progress. Coloring is essential to weight loss and life.

Starting point for 7 minute workout

I’m also doing the “7 minute workout” (there’s an app), and steadily upping the intensity by first decreasing the time between exercises, then doing the exercises for longer, then starting to do more than one 7 minute workout in a row.

And I’ve made a playlist of songs that make me happy enough that I don’t hate working out to them. I’ve decided on exercises for each song, and I shall recount them here incase I (inevitably) misplace the card I wrote it down on. At this point I can’t do the exercises the whole way through each song, but someday I will. You are welcome to join me, and let me know how you are doing.

1. Big Girl You Are Beautiful–Squat into shoulder press

2. Kasepiki (Bebe Cool)–Curl and Twist (I don’t remember how I came to know this, so consider the info suspect, but I heard that this song was the artist’s response to being shot in the leg over a girl–a girl who is also in the video. Again, I don’t know if that’s true, but I hope it is, because he looks like one of the sesame street muppets dancing around in his chair, and “mind your business” is such a cute response to being shot)

3. All About That Bass (Megan Trainor)–Squats

4. Interlude MC Pikachou (Disiz)– High Knees (I recommend this song for short intervals of cardio, because the way it speeds up forces you to keep going faster and faster. Also, how cute is it? So cute. He has more serious sounding raps too, though I can’t tell you what any of them are about. I think I heard that this one is about Pikachou versus King Kong)

5. One of Those Days (Joy Williams)– Side bends

6. Price Tag (Jessie J)– Alternating curls w/ twist

7. All About that (upright) Bass (Postmodern Jukebox)–Whatever stretches feel good in the moment


At home in my head

Side and front views of me as I am. Underneath is what some website estimates I look like based on height to waist ratio, and figure based on a gestimate of what I might want to shoot for
Side and front views of me as I am. Underneath is what some website estimates I look like based on height to waist ratio, and figure based on a gestimate of what I might want to shoot for. Numbers aren’t my thing, but pictures I understand.

A funny thing has happened since I started blogging. I don’t need audiobooks as much as I used to. It’s as though I am suddenly interested in my own life, can find worth in my own thoughts and no longer need to escape quite so much. Usually, when I would be a moment without an audiobook, I would get caught up in existential dread, and spend hours trying not to think about how limited life is, and the utter pointlessness of everything. I was like that as a child. My mother had to lie to get me to stop crying and go to sleep… “By the time you’re old enough to die, they will have found a way to prevent it.” I’m not sure how other people get from day to day without freaking out. I have to distract myself as hard as I can… It’s like the “don’t think about pink elephants” game, but with more angst and insomnia. Basically, in a life without meaning, the only landmark that really seems to stick out is the end. This is not supposed to be a depressing post.

Anyway, now I have something to dream about, something that doesn’t feel hopelessly far in the future. And some things that are slotted to occur even sooner! I know it sounds tragic that I found my life’s meaning in weight loss, but hear me out. I’m not a mother yet, but I want to be, and I want to be healthy for my children. I have not been kind to myself, and I have been careless with my wellbeing. So I am seeing this as a way to practice motherhood.

I will try to treat myself as I would want to treat my child. Instead of raging at myself and storing insults for myself, I must try to have patience. Instead of succumbing every time I want want want sugar, I will practice loving denial. Skipping one cookie isn’t a punishment, it’s good motherly sense. There will be other cookies. Really. Leave it.

tentative incremental reward plan

So my inner mother will nurture-and restrain-my inner child. And there will be many bribes. Non-food bribes. Every day that I am perfect in both diet and exercise, I am allowed to paint (I’m thinking I need to require sketch practice everyday, regardless). And every 5 pounds, I can get another reward. I may change my mind about what rewards I want, but as I have it now, the rewards are largely craft-related. I went to a Waldorf school, where there is a lot of “handwork” and art, and I’ve been in creativity withdrawal ever since I graduated. I realize now that I have to forcibly make time for such things, or else life gets in the way.

my husband is very private. He doesn’t like his picture to be all over the web, so I cropped him right out, even though I would rather not have

Some of the rewards will require help from my friend. She is able to make anything with a sewing machine, and she can show me how to make whatever dress I dream of, or how to reverse-engineer a garment that I want, or how to make the perfect-fitting jeans that every woman dreams of. She has agreed to help me pick a dress online, create the pattern that 894013_10201002930219698_1080040408_ofits me, and make the dress, and finally to help me make those jeans. I haven’t worn jeans in ages. In return, I shall be her example student (and probably occasional photographer/videographer) on her sewing blog. She made my wedding dress, btw. And the bridesmaids dresses. She also has a biotech blog and one on writing, wherein she iswriting a fantasy novel. And she still has time to be my gym buddy!305995_10201002925539581_1197638488_n

Somehow, I seem to have friends that fit the “Renaissance Man” (or woman) archetype, always doing, creating and learning, working hard. I’m not sure what any of them get from me, given that I’m not much of a doer myself. I don’t know if I could be friends with myself. It would be boring and awkward, nothing would happen. Perhaps I’m a complimentary personality for them.

As I knew it would, my lifestyle change has made me more able to connect with my husband. It’s easier on both of us now that I’m eating better and exercising more. Instead of struggling not to judge and chide me, my husband can now congratulate me. We are a team now, so long as I do all the work and don’t get him too involved in being my external discipline. I’m so much happier. It’s so good to see him proud of me.

Anyway, my gym buddy will be busy for a week, and I really struggle more if I have to go it alone. I could use another gym buddy for such occasions. Anyone in the richmond/el sobrante/el cerrito area?