Tag Archives: weight

No Goals* this Year

Well, no goals that are married to targets, but lots and lots of process/habit goals. I’m over goal setting right now. It hasn’t worked for me, so I’m just going to try and do healthy things and reap the rewards when they happen to happen.

I’m employed now, so that’s cool. It’s nice to have money and goals and sort of a schedule. And really good free lunches. Is that a good thing? I’m still not sure, because on one hand FREE, on the other, OUT OF MY CONTROL But along with the rotating main dishes which could be anything, there’s always a salad bar, soup and some cold cuts on the sandwich table. So, if the main dishes are not on plan, I can cobble something together.

I recently reached my highest weight ever, 300 lbs. I’ve since lost a few pounds. My strategy has been really simple and disconcertingly easy: instead of “I can’t,” I tell myself “I don’t,”  and I focus on eating for mental clarity, energy and reduced hunger. This has worked well. I went from 10 mochas a day (when at work, where mochas come free out of a machine) to 0 overnight and without stressing. After Christmas, I cut out all processed carbs and sugar…. except for one meal, where I couldn’t think of anything healthy to eat and decided to eat a large plateful  of Christmas cookies and fudge and candied nuts. This proved to be very educational. The next day I was noticeably starving. After just a few days of eating clean, I had become used to not being starving. I finally had personal proof that what everyone says about simple cards is true for me too. I mean, I always believed it, but I also believed that I’m just a grumpy, sleepy, sad person regardless of what I eat.

I’m also trying to incorporate more movement into my days. I’ve already started a program I call PomPomPlank, where I do two Pomodoros and then I give myself a longer break during which I try and move. It’s a little different depending on where I am. If I’m at work, I walk up 3 flights of stairs and go to the “Wellness Room” (a little room with a lock for nursing mothers or naps I guess). Once there I do two minutes of stretching, one minute of trying to do a plank (40 seconds is my record, but I realized my form might have been off). Then I am supposed to meditate for one minute, but I don’t know how successful that has been. The whole routine takes about 15 minutes, including the time it takes to get back to my desk.

I hurt my back this week, and while I was recuperating, I became obsessed with the idea of learning to dance. A few days before my back spasm, I had the realization that I could use the speed adjustment on youtube to make dance tutorials more “my speed.” I tried it out and loved it, although it’s still hard. At least with this innovation, dancing seems possible. I’m even thinking that I’ll use short dance step instructional videos in my PomPomPlank long break routines, like maybe a couple minutes of body rolls instead of stretching sometimes. I usually wear sneakers, leggings and a dress at work because none of my pants fit and I only have one pair of shoes that is supportive enough to, well, support my new efforts to walk properly. My point is, I’ll be in the right shoes.

My goal with dance is to find dances that I personally think look better on big girls. I tried googling for that, but it seems no one in the whole wide web thinks that’s a thing. Fuck them all. I think that jiggling fat can be a great way to accentuate certain moves (I mean, twerking obviously, chest popping or whatever it’s called, shimmies, that sort of thing).

My body-positive stance on dance relates to another habit I’m trying to nurture: self acceptance love. It’s hard even to write it down, it feels so wrong. Anyway, I’m perfectly capable of seeing another fat chick dance and being impressed at her sex appeal, so I want that for me.

I want self love to be a strong habit well before I lose the weight because I want to know my love is real (not conditional on my body looking a certain way) and because I think it will help me lose the weight. I mean, you’re not going to casually hurt/kill someone you love, so when I’m on top of my self love game I’m more motivated to do right by me. those of you who are keen readers of grammatical cues might have noticed: I have sometimes been on top of myself love game. That’s something I can sometimes pull off now. Not 100% of the time. If I’m even slightly sleep deprived I hate on everything and everyone, myself included.

One of my proud, self lovey moments actually happened at a plastic surgeons office. I was someone’s ride home. I looked through the before-and-after books on the table, pages and pages of breasts and noses, and realized I’m ok. I’m actually ok with how I look. I think I would even be ok with being fat if it didn’t represent so many health problems for me. So I took self-love celebratory selfies in the surgeons office, and you know what? I look great.

One more thing: there is a woman named Summer. She has lost, I think, over 200 lbs. I find the content she produces comforting and inspiring and she has a good heart. Therefore, as one of my non-food rewards to myself, I’m going to semi regularly (that is once a month unless I’ve already exceeded my budget) give to her goFundMe campaign, so that she can finally be rid of her excess skin. I could give her $100 all at once and then forget about it, but this is better. The way I see it, I used to spend that much money on binge food very regularly, so if I was comfortable wasting money on that, I have no right not to invest in this. I’m inviting anyone who is interested to join me in giving regularly. We could be a sort of support group for each other, if you reach out to me. Just the amount you would once have wasted destroying your health. If all her fans did that, she would meet her goal so quick! Here’s her blog and here’s her YouTube.


A million things I haven’t done

Hello, again. It’s been too long, again.

Last post, I was trying to start a meetup. There wasn’t good attendance for the first two meetups, and that discouraged me from scheduling another one. But just now, between writing “It’s been too long, again” and “last post…”, I decided, what the f, just try again and scheduled a repeating meetup every Saturday at 9 am. Wish me better success this time! I’m hoping that every week will pick up more people. I’m super nervous, tbh.

My dog, Hobbit, died, but I don’t want to talk about that. My parents already got a new dog, which took some getting used to.

I’ve been really struggling to maintain motivation. I have very little trouble getting motivated, but it doesn’t seem to last the full day, so that’s minimally useful.

I took the leap of buying my friend a bikram pass so that I have someone to go with, so that I actually go. I figure it’s better to pay double but get the benefits than it would be to pay the normal price and get nothing because I lack motivation. This friend is good at getting going, unlike me, so it is a lot easier to just tag along with her than to get myself moving all alone.

In other news, the Warriors lost and my husband and I had a bet going. Had they won, he would have had to listen to the whole Hamilton soundtrack with me. But they lost, so now I have to go to the gym 5 times a week for a year, starting tomorrow. Can you tell he drives a harder bargain than I do? Sigh. I think I’ll try the workouts recommended in the book Strong. I made tables in word with the first set of workouts, here’s what that looks like.Screen Shot 2016-06-26 at 11.21.56 AM

Maybe that’s all I have to say today, but I’m going to commit right now to posting again on… Tuesday. Why not? See you then!

New Year, Same Goals

Happy New Year everyone!

I’m keeping my goals from October, only redoubling my efforts in light of the new year. IMG_4408I was very slack in November, and outright counter-productive in the last week of December. To be fair, my birthday is the day before Christmas, so those two days it made sense to be off. What was a less good idea was continuing to gorge myself for the rest of 2014. I ate so much I felt I could hear the stretch marks forming. I’m back up to 256 lbs, 8 pounds up from where I was at the beginning of November. C’est la vie. No point in dwelling on it.

What I need to do is re-establish the aversion I had to going off plan. When you first start a diet Lifestyle change. you really feel bad about the idea of straying. Once you make your first big mistake though, suddenly it seems like a less big deal and you are more likely to keep slipping up. There is a two-word phrase that sums that up perfectly, but I can’t remember it. I can’t even figure out how to google for it. I saw it on someone’s blog, but I can’t remember which blog it was, let alone what post it was. I knew I would want to remember it, but didn’t take the necessary steps. Please, if anyone knows what I’m talking about, and/or can figure it out, please please comment. I need that phrase in my life. I want to name the problem superstitiously because I believe that once it’s well defined, it will be easier to avoid.

My biggest problem is when I don’t know what to eat. So I think what I have to do is start pre-planning, and attempting to pre-prepare my meals. I know that seems obvious to some, but I’ve really struggled with it. The reason I haven’t been able to manage it is because I tend to eat everything I make pretty quickly (especially with the help of my husband), and I’m terrible at knowing how much food I need to make. I go from thinking “this is an absurd amount of food” to “where did it all go?” Also, the fridge is a mess and packed full. I may have to deal with that before I can store any food.

I also want to start planning my life better, wasting less time. I want to seriously take up art again, because if I hadn’t given up as a teen, I would be pretty good by now.  Likewise, I want to either start again with violin, or try to learn some piano, or guitar. Obviously, I want need to go to the gym more often, and want to take up running with my hubby. We’ve been trying to do our running concurrently and around the same field, but he keeps trying to push me to do more than I’m comfortable with and more than my app tells me to do. I find this encouragement very frustrating. I know that I don’t want to push myself to the point where I give up. I want to succeed at small things and progress slowly, not keep trying to do more and more until I fail and get disheartened. I wish he could respect that a bit more, but he’s very enthusiastic.

So I’ve got a planner, and each day I will plan the next day such that I work towards my goals.

Workouts for me

I’m not inherently good at pushing myself. Shocking, I know. I’m not quite like my husband in that way (or any way at all, we are the archetypal opposites that attract). While he can just see a thing that needs doing and do it without complaint, I struggle mulishly against my own better judgement, and finally give up much of the time. I am changing though, because I’ve married a good influence. Not that I’m doing this for him or at his request, but simply seeing how good and strong he is makes me want to try a bit harder. I’m so glad to have him.

Anyhow, I really have to try hard to think of ways to get myself to keep trying. So as of Thursday, I’ve begun the 30 Day Plank challenge.

This one

I’ve also coerced my gym buddy into the challenge. And by “coerce” I mean “meekly suggested.” She was enthusiastic. We will also do Crunch challenge in November, and an arms challenge in December. I will, of course, be making things which I can color in to keep track of my progress. Coloring is essential to weight loss and life.

Starting point for 7 minute workout

I’m also doing the “7 minute workout” (there’s an app), and steadily upping the intensity by first decreasing the time between exercises, then doing the exercises for longer, then starting to do more than one 7 minute workout in a row.

And I’ve made a playlist of songs that make me happy enough that I don’t hate working out to them. I’ve decided on exercises for each song, and I shall recount them here incase I (inevitably) misplace the card I wrote it down on. At this point I can’t do the exercises the whole way through each song, but someday I will. You are welcome to join me, and let me know how you are doing.

1. Big Girl You Are Beautiful–Squat into shoulder press

2. Kasepiki (Bebe Cool)–Curl and Twist (I don’t remember how I came to know this, so consider the info suspect, but I heard that this song was the artist’s response to being shot in the leg over a girl–a girl who is also in the video. Again, I don’t know if that’s true, but I hope it is, because he looks like one of the sesame street muppets dancing around in his chair, and “mind your business” is such a cute response to being shot)

3. All About That Bass (Megan Trainor)–Squats

4. Interlude MC Pikachou (Disiz)– High Knees (I recommend this song for short intervals of cardio, because the way it speeds up forces you to keep going faster and faster. Also, how cute is it? So cute. He has more serious sounding raps too, though I can’t tell you what any of them are about. I think I heard that this one is about Pikachou versus King Kong)

5. One of Those Days (Joy Williams)– Side bends

6. Price Tag (Jessie J)– Alternating curls w/ twist

7. All About that (upright) Bass (Postmodern Jukebox)–Whatever stretches feel good in the moment

At home in my head

Side and front views of me as I am. Underneath is what some website estimates I look like based on height to waist ratio, and figure based on a gestimate of what I might want to shoot for
Side and front views of me as I am. Underneath is what some website estimates I look like based on height to waist ratio, and figure based on a gestimate of what I might want to shoot for. Numbers aren’t my thing, but pictures I understand.

A funny thing has happened since I started blogging. I don’t need audiobooks as much as I used to. It’s as though I am suddenly interested in my own life, can find worth in my own thoughts and no longer need to escape quite so much. Usually, when I would be a moment without an audiobook, I would get caught up in existential dread, and spend hours trying not to think about how limited life is, and the utter pointlessness of everything. I was like that as a child. My mother had to lie to get me to stop crying and go to sleep… “By the time you’re old enough to die, they will have found a way to prevent it.” I’m not sure how other people get from day to day without freaking out. I have to distract myself as hard as I can… It’s like the “don’t think about pink elephants” game, but with more angst and insomnia. Basically, in a life without meaning, the only landmark that really seems to stick out is the end. This is not supposed to be a depressing post.

Anyway, now I have something to dream about, something that doesn’t feel hopelessly far in the future. And some things that are slotted to occur even sooner! I know it sounds tragic that I found my life’s meaning in weight loss, but hear me out. I’m not a mother yet, but I want to be, and I want to be healthy for my children. I have not been kind to myself, and I have been careless with my wellbeing. So I am seeing this as a way to practice motherhood.

I will try to treat myself as I would want to treat my child. Instead of raging at myself and storing insults for myself, I must try to have patience. Instead of succumbing every time I want want want sugar, I will practice loving denial. Skipping one cookie isn’t a punishment, it’s good motherly sense. There will be other cookies. Really. Leave it.

tentative incremental reward plan

So my inner mother will nurture-and restrain-my inner child. And there will be many bribes. Non-food bribes. Every day that I am perfect in both diet and exercise, I am allowed to paint (I’m thinking I need to require sketch practice everyday, regardless). And every 5 pounds, I can get another reward. I may change my mind about what rewards I want, but as I have it now, the rewards are largely craft-related. I went to a Waldorf school, where there is a lot of “handwork” and art, and I’ve been in creativity withdrawal ever since I graduated. I realize now that I have to forcibly make time for such things, or else life gets in the way.

my husband is very private. He doesn’t like his picture to be all over the web, so I cropped him right out, even though I would rather not have

Some of the rewards will require help from my friend. She is able to make anything with a sewing machine, and she can show me how to make whatever dress I dream of, or how to reverse-engineer a garment that I want, or how to make the perfect-fitting jeans that every woman dreams of. She has agreed to help me pick a dress online, create the pattern that 894013_10201002930219698_1080040408_ofits me, and make the dress, and finally to help me make those jeans. I haven’t worn jeans in ages. In return, I shall be her example student (and probably occasional photographer/videographer) on her sewing blog. She made my wedding dress, btw. And the bridesmaids dresses. She also has a biotech blog and one on writing, wherein she iswriting a fantasy novel. And she still has time to be my gym buddy!305995_10201002925539581_1197638488_n

Somehow, I seem to have friends that fit the “Renaissance Man” (or woman) archetype, always doing, creating and learning, working hard. I’m not sure what any of them get from me, given that I’m not much of a doer myself. I don’t know if I could be friends with myself. It would be boring and awkward, nothing would happen. Perhaps I’m a complimentary personality for them.

As I knew it would, my lifestyle change has made me more able to connect with my husband. It’s easier on both of us now that I’m eating better and exercising more. Instead of struggling not to judge and chide me, my husband can now congratulate me. We are a team now, so long as I do all the work and don’t get him too involved in being my external discipline. I’m so much happier. It’s so good to see him proud of me.

Anyway, my gym buddy will be busy for a week, and I really struggle more if I have to go it alone. I could use another gym buddy for such occasions. Anyone in the richmond/el sobrante/el cerrito area?

Day 13: Flagging, and self – flagellation

*warning: my bombastic streak is in evidence today*

I knew this day would come. No one is perfect, and I understand that. And yet, I grieve that my previously unblemished color-in calendar bears a red stain so early. My panties also risk red stains… Causation or mere correlation?  IMG_3267-0.JPG

I had begun my plan eagerly awaiting my day of temptation, ready to fight it tooth and nail, ready to conquer. But it was sneaky. It’s the damnedest thing. I thought I was doing fine, then suddenly I log my last meal and BOOM. Where did those sneaky calories come from? Was it because I put half an avocado in my smoothie? Was the fistfuls of nuts every hour or two (probably. Note to self: nuts stay off the work table)? Or was it that I planned to exercise, but flagged after a meager 10 minutes of elliptical?

I had some dark moments today, feeling like my old self again, the self that is tired and uninspired by life, filled with self-loathing and general grumpiness. My poor husband noticed, and because he is in control, apparently at all times, he couldn’t fathom how I could manifest my crankiness over the phone or in person. He kept asking me why I was acting “this way,” which, as you know if you’ve ever been grumpy, is a great way to make yourself unpleasant to be around. I really just wanted peaceable quiet, since I wasn’t feeling the whole “human interaction” idea at the time. But my love never lets go. By the end of a 20 minute drive, I was nearly in tears, and nearly ready to claw my own throat out, I felt so bad for bothering my patient husband. But his reminders that “I never act this way with you” really just made me extra impatient with him. Yes. You’re better at life than I am. Whoopdeedoo for you.

He always needs to get the answer to his questions. Often, I don’t have satisfactory answers for him. For the life of me, I can’t imagine why he can’t just drop it if I ask him to. I couldn’t do something like that, if I knew it were making my loved one miserable. He has a higher unpleasantness threshold than I do, so maybe he thought I was just being a diva. I am sorry that he got the brunt of my mood. He never deserved that.

I don’t feel all that bad about my diet though. I ate too many calories, but the foods were not really the sort of thing I feel are sinful. All were wholesome and fresh (except the veggie chips. Those were not “fresh” per se).

I welcome tomorrow as a chance to do better. I shall be more alert. Nothing will sneak past me. And tomorrow my gym buddy will be available again, so I won’t bail as readily. I will have so much water and tea always on hand, that I never stray to foods with calories. I hadn’t really felt tempted before, since I started this new plan. This is actually a good thing. I can’t know that I’m really on the mend until I can see temptation and say “sorry, no.”

day one of relearning to art. 5 min sketch of Tarsier from googled image. He’s eating. That’s not a tiny cigar in his mouth

In other news, I’ve started my attempts to draw without tracing, erasing or starting over. I also put a timer on, so that I wouldn’t dawdle for ever. I picked the tarsier because I’ve decided that he shall be the “ghrelin gremlin” incarnate. Eventually, I will make a drawing of him for the header of this blog. Whether or not I trace that image, is yet to be decided. I may have to practice freehand more before I decide. Or maybe I’ll do more than one. This was my reference. Feel free to provide criticism, but be gentle, since I am a beginner.