At home in my head

Side and front views of me as I am. Underneath is what some website estimates I look like based on height to waist ratio, and figure based on a gestimate of what I might want to shoot for. Numbers aren’t my thing, but pictures I understand.

A funny thing has happened since I started blogging. I don’t need audiobooks as much as I used to. It’s as though I am suddenly interested in my own life, can find worth in my own thoughts and no longer need to escape quite so much. Usually, when I would be a moment without an audiobook, I would get caught up in existential dread, and spend hours trying not to think about how limited life is, and the utter pointlessness of everything. I was like that as a child. My mother had to lie to get me to stop crying and go to sleep… “By the time you’re old enough to die, they will have found a way to prevent it.” I’m not sure how other people get from day to day without freaking out. I have to distract myself as hard as I can… It’s like the “don’t think about pink elephants” game, but with more angst and insomnia. Basically, in a life without meaning, the only landmark that really seems to stick out is the end. This is not supposed to be a depressing post.

Anyway, now I have something to dream about, something that doesn’t feel hopelessly far in the future. And some things that are slotted to occur even sooner! I know it sounds tragic that I found my life’s meaning in weight loss, but hear me out. I’m not a mother yet, but I want to be, and I want to be healthy for my children. I have not been kind to myself, and I have been careless with my wellbeing. So I am seeing this as a way to practice motherhood.

I will try to treat myself as I would want to treat my child. Instead of raging at myself and storing insults for myself, I must try to have patience. Instead of succumbing every time I want want want sugar, I will practice loving denial. Skipping one cookie isn’t a punishment, it’s good motherly sense. There will be other cookies. Really. Leave it.

tentative incremental reward plan

So my inner mother will nurture-and restrain-my inner child. And there will be many bribes. Non-food bribes. Every day that I am perfect in both diet and exercise, I am allowed to paint (I’m thinking I need to require sketch practice everyday, regardless). And every 5 pounds, I can get another reward. I may change my mind about what rewards I want, but as I have it now, the rewards are largely craft-related. I went to a Waldorf school, where there is a lot of “handwork” and art, and I’ve been in creativity withdrawal ever since I graduated. I realize now that I have to forcibly make time for such things, or else life gets in the way.

my husband is very private. He doesn’t like his picture to be all over the web, so I cropped him right out, even though I would rather not have

Some of the rewards will require help from my friend. She is able to make anything with a sewing machine, and she can show me how to make whatever dress I dream of, or how to reverse-engineer a garment that I want, or how to make the perfect-fitting jeans that every woman dreams of. She has agreed to help me pick a dress online, create the pattern that fits me, and make the dress, and finally to help me make those jeans. I haven’t worn jeans in ages. In return, I shall be her example student (and probably occasional photographer/videographer) on her sewing blog. She made my wedding dress, btw. And the bridesmaids dresses. She also has a biotech blog and one on writing, wherein she iswriting a fantasy novel. And she still has time to be my gym buddy!

Somehow, I seem to have friends that fit the “Renaissance Man” (or woman) archetype, always doing, creating and learning, working hard. I’m not sure what any of them get from me, given that I’m not much of a doer myself. I don’t know if I could be friends with myself. It would be boring and awkward, nothing would happen. Perhaps I’m a complimentary personality for them.

As I knew it would, my lifestyle change has made me more able to connect with my husband. It’s easier on both of us now that I’m eating better and exercising more. Instead of struggling not to judge and chide me, my husband can now congratulate me. We are a team now, so long as I do all the work and don’t get him too involved in being my external discipline. I’m so much happier. It’s so good to see him proud of me.

Anyway, my gym buddy will be busy for a week, and I really struggle more if I have to go it alone. I could use another gym buddy for such occasions. Anyone in the richmond/el sobrante/el cerrito area?